My Writers Block

Ends and beginnings

2010-08-19T19:06:00.000+01:00

All is not well in block land.

wheelchair woman

2009-12-13T12:22:00.004Z

Outside the newsagents sits an elderly lady in a wheelchair complete with crocheted blanket, no doubt a present from a concerned relative. It's one of those old fashioned wheelchairs, nothing like the motorised shopmobility scooters that seem to be everywhere these days; hurtling pensioners at hitherto unheard of speeds from post office to Aldi.

She's on her own, parked outside on the pavement looking forlornly at the door like a dog tied to a railing.

How to assemble and decorate an artificial Christmas tree

2009-12-02T16:48:00.005Z

First of all - thanks for the suggestions Kirsten! Here's your goat.

Well, December is upon us, which means I've put the Christmas tree up. Whilst this is something that I generally look forward to, and indeed, get quite excited about - as with most things in life the reality does not live up to my idealised imaginings.
For anyone who hasn't put there's up yet, here's a few pointers for you:

Drink heavily before attempting to put up a tree of any size. This doesn't make it any easier but at least you won't care as much, and the injuries that you will no doubt incur won't hurt until you sober up.
Make sure you put the base together correctly before attaching the tree. Crawling round on the floor with twigs poking you in the eye whilst the whole thing sways worryingly above you can be avoided this way.
Plan where you are going to put the tree in advance, considering sight lines to the TV, windows, each other etc.. Moving a fully decorated tree should only be attempted by someone experienced in disarming landmines.
Test the lights before putting them on the tree. This will help you avoid the frustration of finding out that they won't turn on because one shitting bulb has blown, and Christ alone knows how you're supposed to find out which of the little wankers it is. Or in severe cases (like the memorable Christmas of '98) the whole thing going up like a roman candle and second degree burns.
Don't expect anyone else to appreciate your efforts. Whilst you may decorate the tree with the all the care and attention to colour, design and space as Picasso, this won't stop your wife/husband/children/man come to read the gas meter saying it looks "ok" before moving everything around.
Small animals - especially those partial to shiny things, should be caged for the entire duration of Christmas to avoid the 'baubles everywhere and trying to untangle the cat from the tree' scenario.

So there you go. Follow these guidlines, and you should be ok.

Funtag!

2009-11-20T16:14:00.006Z

My favourite day of the week rolls around yet again - and what's more I'm off work for a bit, so even more cause for celebration. I aim to be in the pub within the hour...

Though tonight is Children in Need night here in the UK, a worthy charity indeed, but it does mean that I will no doubt be accosted several times by people dressed in a variety of outfits asking for donations. I can only hope it's mostly girls in their 20's dressed as nurses and strippers, and not Prince Harry dressed as a Nazi (see above).

Also at this time of year, I start to think about Christmas presents. Not what I want, but what I should be buying for my various family and friends.
I always find it quite tricky to buy for others when I have no idea what they want. My sister as usual has given me a list, which is appreciated, and my best friend Andy will be getting a book like he does every year, but as for everyone else, I'm somewhat adrift. I ask them, and say things like 'surprise me', or 'I don't really know'. If they don't know what they want, how am I supposed to guess? And as for a 'surprise'- you can take this 2 ways, and I've learnt through experience that exotic pets and severed goats head - whilst fulfilling the remit of being a surprise - are not necessarily appreciated.

So please let me know your suggestions for what I should buy my assorted family and friends - they cover a wide range of ages, genders, cultures and sexual orientations. The winner gets a severed goats head.

That time of year of an unhygenic Robert Pattinson

2009-11-17T14:23:00.004Z

Well - still no 'proper' computer, but at least I've got the work laptop running on xp now.

That time of year is upon once more my friends where we moan about all the Christmas ads on TV, the shop window displays full of snow, and generally reminisce about how when we were kids no one motioned Christmas before 24th December and it's getting earlier every year. This years bunch of Christmas adds are quite a chilling affair, headed up by M&S who's adverts begin with Stephen Fry telling us to mince once a year. Oh M&S, you masters of the subtle double-entendre.
My personal favourite is Mr Sansburys (that's Jamie Oliver to anyone who doesn't own a TV) giving out mince pies from the back of Sainsburys van parked in quaint villages. It has an unusual docu-drama feel which I assume is to lead us to believe that this is what Jamie likes to do in his spare time when he's not busy having a life.

Whilst we're on the subject of things that are just plane wrong - there's a poster at Chancery Lane tube station for the new twilight movie - you know, Mills&Boon for teenage girls - with a great big picture of the moody looking Robert Pattinson. Since it's gone up, there is an increasing amount of lipstick appearing on his face as passers-by, presumably teenage girls or the mentally ill have been kissing it.
Now I know that the cleaning team in our capitals underground transport system do a wonderful and often under appreciated job, but I still can't believe that advertising posters put up by an elderly man called Arthur who looks like he could use a shower and smells like piss are safe to lick. I expect an outbreak of hepatitis any day now.

Since I've been away for a while, I thought I'd treat you all to this little gem. Lady GaGa's poker face as you've never heard it before.
All worship the hair....

Computer says no

2009-10-07T18:13:00.006+01:00

Or more accurately, boom.
My computer had an 'episode' yesterday. It's been coming for a while, but it finally kicked the bucket around dinner time. I've tried changing the graphics card, and both hard drives, but no luck. I think it's the motherboard (or rather, hoping it is as my hard drive contains all my music, films, bank account details, entire life etc...), but as I built the thing about 2 years ago - and chip designers seem intent on changing how many pins their processors have every 2 days - it's proving harder than I imagined trying to get a new one.
It's time like these that you realise just how much you rely on the interweb. Back when I was at school, we had these weird things called 'books' instead, though to be honest, they did have some advantages like being able to work in a power cut. But now, I find myself pacing the room and foaming at the mouth occasionally. No longer can I type in my postcode on google streetmaps and see what the outside of my flat looks like, no longer can I while away the hours looking up facts of dubious authenticity on Wikipedia. In fact, about only entertainment I have is to try one of these.

Still got my work laptop at least, it's one of those 'take anywhere as long as you don't mind lifting 40 pounds and a battery life of 23 seconds' jobbies that they found at the back of a store room, Better than nothing I suppose, and it does stop me from sitting naked and rocking in the corner of a dark room like Robert Downey Jnr did for most of the 90s.

Sainsburys, and why I hate it.

2009-10-05T16:58:00.006+01:00

For those of you who are unaware of Sainsburys, it's a large grocery chain in the UK, a bit like Tesco or Walmart.

I wrote this from bitter experience of the one near me for part of the novel I'm still writing. The central character is a bit more bitter and twisted than me, so it's a bit more scathing. It's also just a first draft, so still a bit rough...

I hate this place. It's an asylum, a place where the lost and confused get dumped by uncaring relatives so that they can forget them. Pensioners wonder aimlessly through the aisles, attached to their trolleys like a life support. Single men squeezing melons to find a ripe one, confused looks on their faces. A woman holds a coconut next to her ear and shakes it, God knows why.

The refrigerated aisle is littered with half empty cages of steel wire whilst a man in an orange fleece slowly puts chicken madras for one on an empty shelf, one by one, occasionally checking use by dates and shuffling them around.

That's the worst thing about this place. Worse than the lost pensioners who've been trapped in here for days - zig zagging at a glacial pace in search of an exit, worse than the mothers with their screaming children parking their trolleys sideways across the aisles by the cheese; worse than all of these is the atrocious stock management. Around every corner and down every aisle it's littered with steel cages half full of whatever. People in orange fleeces taking things out one by one, blocking the aisle so only one trolley pushed by a moron with no sense of urgency or the passage of time can meander at their own pace past them. And despite this, the place has the feel of communist Russia; half empty spaces where the bread should be, a drastic shortage of semi-skimmed milk but an abundance of sterilised. I don't know how they manage it, people stocking shelves all day but there's never any food. It's like an episode of the twilight zone, some shelve stacker's own personal nightmare I've somehow been trapped in.

A sign where the eggs should be lies to me. If there's a country-wide shortage of free range, then where are Asda getting there's from? Well?

And we'll end with a funky choon. This just makes me want to jump around the living room:

writing mistakes

2009-09-14T15:00:00.003+01:00

I was lurking around the interweb yesterday, when I came across a good article on the common mistakes new authors make. I think it's aimed primarily at fantasy writers, but as a non-fantasy writer, I think it's got some good pointers. It's a series of 10 articles, 5 in each, so 50 altogether just here
I've been writing a bit more lately - still plugging away at that multi-million bestseller that's gonna be ready as soon as I get off my arse and get writing more.

Went up to Nottingham at the weekend - Mrs Block was running the half-marathon (and no, I didn't before you ask). Just under 2 hours, so she's pretty chuffed.
This week's looking bright for a change. I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel - here's hoping it not a man walking the other way with a flame thrower...

Back again

2009-09-08T11:28:00.004+01:00

Well, it's been almost 2 months since my last blog post. Pretty shocking I know. I'm sure you've all coped without me/not noticed.
I'm currently sat at home coughing every 30 seconds, which I ascribe to my quitting smoking (at long last) which is severely playing havoc with my lungs. I assume it's the sudden influx of fresh air that they've been deprived of for the last several years, and they're not sure how to cope.
I also got promoted at work, which was a bit of a surprise if I'm honest. They asked me to come along to a meeting and offered me a promotion just like that, which was nice. So more work, more shouting, less sleep.

Short post today, because I need to go drain my lungs again. I should be back to my usual 3/4 a week by the weekend. Here's some funky music to keep you entertained in the mean time:

The Shatner returns

2009-07-07T18:11:00.004+01:00

Brace yourselves folks - apparently they're making TJ Hooker, The Movie.

I don't know how many of you are old enough to remember this, but it was shown over here in the UK in the 80's. I have vague memories of Shatner running around in someone elses hair and quite possibly a man-girdle spouting the usual cliched crap, assisted by that bloke who looks a bit like that other bloke off Chips, whilst the gorgeous Heather Locklear pouts in the background.

Even though I was only about 6 at the time, I distinctly remember plot-holes you could drive a bus through - like that time his partner got investigated for shooting a man who was facing him, despite the fact he was shot in the back.

And whatever happened to Heather Locklear? As a child, I'm pretty sure she was never off my TV, though I do get confused alot between her and that woman off the fall guy.

And the Bionic Woman.

It does make you wonder though, if they're making a film out of this, what's next? We've already got The A-Team in the works - though this won't be half as good as it could have been now that Bernie Mac has passed away, I always thought he'd make a great BA.
But really, what else can they drag up? And who will they get to play our childhood heroes?
I'm already wondering who could replace Shatner in TJ Hooker - I'm not sure where else they'll find a bald man with a bad wig and a big ego.
But seriously, Who's next? Streethawk? Airwolf? Chips? That one with the bloke who could turn into animals?
Let me know of any suggestions you have - and I'll pass them on to Tarrantino. He's already interested in the 'My Little Pony's ninja nightmare' script I gave him.

Coming to a silver screen near you:

The blue-rinse of death

2009-07-03T19:00:00.005+01:00

What is it with people who stand in front of me when I'm running? Today it was 2 separate occasions of women with pushchairs, and 1 granny.
You should need a license to operate a pushchair, like a car or a forklift. And like driving a forklift, you'll find that having a mobile phone stuck to your ear whilst one hand digs around inside your handbag makes them unpredictable in the staring department and you're likely to skew wildly about the place severely pissing off innocent runners like me.
And old people, they're just taking the piss. I'm running along, about 20 yards from a bus stop. There's an old lady who looks about 104 sat waiting for the bus. She sees me, stands up, walks out in front of me and turns round to face to the other way just as I get there. I mean what the hell are you doing you blue-rinsed moron? You just been sat there waiting for some hapless fellow to come by so you can jump out in front of them? Luckilly, I managed to swerve into the road (good luck there wasn't an actual bus coming) and miss knocking her skyward.
But really, I don't why I bother. Sometimes, I think I should just keep running in a straight line, no swerving, no moving out of the way, like a train with a psychotic driver hell bent on destruction leaving a trail of blue rinsed hip replacements in my wake.
And I thought this running malarky was supposed to lower my blood pressure.

Anyways, here's quite possibly the most chillaxicle piece of music I know (today anyhow). So if you too feel like screaming at the world, turn up your speakers and listen to this, you'll be thinking of fluffly kittens, lost loves, and all that in no time:

When drug deals go misunderstood

2009-07-02T09:50:00.006+01:00

Me and Mrs Block went to the pub a couple of nights ago. We're sat there outside on a wall with a vodka tonic, the warm night air and lots of people drinking and laughing all around when some guy comes over to Mrs Block and says 'is your name crystal?'
'No, though that is a cool name - if your stripper anyway'
'Oh OK, I thought you looked like a girl I know called Crystal from Peru.'
'No no, but I'm always getting mistaken for Spanish/Greek/Portuguese/insert country here' (Mrs Block has a wide variety in her family).
'Oh ok' he says, and then we have a slightly surreal and awkward conversation about Peru before he wanders off.
We think this is a bit weird. I mean, who the hell calls their daughter Cyrstal? Is he trying to chat her up? (she is rather pretty - and I am punching above my weight) but then why try and chat up a girl who's clearly with another guy who (and I don't mean to blow my own trumpet or anything) looks a damn sight bigger and meaner than you?
We're thinking about this when we notice he's gone on to another table and seems to be having the same conversation with someone else, then another, then another. And then a little lightbulb appears over our heads and we suddenly realise - he's a drug dealer. And suddenly I feel very stupid and uncool and not down with the kids at all for not knowing today's euphemism, like I should go up to the guy and say 'Hey, I get it now, Cystal, from Peru, as in meth yeah?' And then I'm wondering why I'm bothered about looking like an idiot in front of a drug dealer.
Mrs Block finds the whole thing very amusing, especially the bit of floundering around by the guy trying to say something interesting abut Peru.
And then I'm thinking there's a lot of people whispering in his ear, Christ there's a lot of junkies around here - which makes me feel a little bit sad.
And then we went home.

Quote for today:
"A lot of people think I'm a Michael Jackson impersonator" - Michael Jackson

The Killers, Michael Jackson, and my long weekend

2009-06-29T10:53:00.005+01:00

Well - Friday came around (as expected, right after Thursday) which meant I had the day off, and also that I went to see The Killers play Hard Rock Calling at Hyde Park.The day was bloody good, I can tell you. Got there around 3pm, with the first band (Chew Lips) on around 4pm. 2 Guys and a girl doing some pop-synthy type stuff, very good.
Several bands later, and The Killers came on at 9pm, and played for a little under 2 hours - and they were fuckin' A. We had a great spot near the stage, nestled between the man who looked like he'd been let out for the weekend, and the girl who'd drank her own bodyweight in Vodka Redbulls. My plan was to post some pics/vids, however, I can't find the lead that connects my phone to the PC, so I'll have to put them on some other time.

On a sadder note, the news of the weekend - Michael Jackson is dead. MJ did seems to divide public opinion, he had his die hard fans who pretty much thought her was Jesus without the beard, and then everyone else who thought he used to be great, but was now just a bit weird.

But whatever you thought of him; pop-god, child molester, misguided genius, or any combination of these, there's no doubting the great impact he made on the world of pop. It was hard to believe he was over 6 foot tall and had hands the same size of Mohamed Ali's when you saw him shaking his stuff on stage, and Thriller changed the way everyone thought about the music video. It's a shame he won't be playing the O2, I know a few people who had tickets to see him and I'm sure they'll be most upset.
That is of course assuming he is dead, and not somewhere alive and well and suddenly debt free in south America whilst one of his many doubles lies in a morgue...

And if you're going to to LA anytime soon, and plan to leave a tribute on his star on 'Hollywood's walk of fame', please be sure to get the right one. The one in all the papers, surrounded by candles, flowers, and crying MJ fans, is actually that of very much still alive LA talk radio host Michael Jackson. The now deceased pop sensation Michael Jackson's star is currently underneath the red carpet outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre waiting for the cast of Bruno to walk all over it at the premier.

So farewell Michael - you of moonwalking feet, not-quite-proven allegations, and curiously Caucasian children (apparently, the daughter Paris is the result of a 'donation' from MacCaulay Culkin - hence the blonde hair). You were a bit weird, well, you were a bit mental in all honesty and quite possibly spent a bit too much dubious time with boys not of your own age, but nobody else could move quite like you, and you will be sorely missed by the world of pop.

His first moonwalk on stage (at least I think this was the first performance):

1500 Phillipino prisoners can't be wrong:

Taxi drivers

2009-06-23T17:41:00.002+01:00

Went on a trip last week (hence no posts), including my old stomping ground in the midlands. On the way back I got a taxi to the train station driven by an idiot.
For starters, despite being in somewhat of a rush to be on time for the train, the man seemed to have no concept of 4th gear, or indeed what the vertical peddle on the floor was for. Admittedly, he was getting on a bit, and was rather rotund, so I assume he's not that used to moving in any way shape or form, but if your job is to drive people around all day, it surely makes sense to move your fat ass and not drive below 20mph.
At the first junction we get to, he just stops. No cars coming in either direction, in fact no forms of motorised transport at all that I could see, but we stopped for about 30 seconds anyway. And when I thought this couldn't get any worse, he started talking.

You know you're in for a bad conversation when the first thing the person your speaking to says is 'did you see about that bloke in the News of the World?'
No I didn't - I read a newspaper, one with news in. If I wanted knee-jerk reactionism and unobjective ramblings, I'd speak to a Jeremy Clarkson.
Then he starts talking about paedophiles, and how he thinks they should all be in prison. well no shit Sherlock, you think? He goes on to tell me that if a paedophile ever attacked his grandchildren, he'd probably kill them - and he says this like he's really proud of it, like no one else has ever thought of this and it makes him special.
He then goes on about diplomatic immunity, and how 'foreigners' shouldn't be exempt from the law, by which time I've fallen into a coma.
Most taxi drivers I've had have been friendly, or at least quiet, but I just don't get these folks who think that because I have to sit in the same car, means I 'm really interested in their xenophobic sun-reader take on the world. Next time, I'm wearing ear plugs.

Anyways, on a lighter note, it's only 3 more days before I go see the Killers (and the Kooks) in Hyde Park - really can't wait.

Panda = stupid

2009-06-22T19:10:00.004+01:00

What is it with Pandas? I remember as a child, being told all about them at school, how there weren't many left in the wild, about how they only ate bamboo, the captive breeding programs etc, and I couldn't help but think - as a species they're pretty dumb.
Don't get me wrong, I recycle, I turn off lights, I only buy line caught Tuna, and I don't eat Cod (the last 2 is because of the overfishing and general methods used), but I draw the line at Pandas.
I mean - they're hardly helping themselves are they? For a start, Pandas are bears, and like all bears, have evolved to be carnivores. However, Pandas don't eat meat, they have a diet that consists pretty much exclusively of bamboo, which is made up mostly of cellulose. which Pandas can't digest, hence the need for them to eat 30 pounds of the stuff every day. They reason they look a bit dopey and cute all the time is because they're knackered, very little nutrition = very little energy, so anything more than walking slowly is beyond them.

Secondly, they never want to have sex. Despite all that slutty eye make-up, Pandas would rather scratch their arse than have a romantic night in with Mrs Panda. Though I feel that this may be related to my previous point, zoos have tried pretty much everything to get them 'in the mood', including Viagra and Panda porn. I'm not sure how they managed to get hold of Panda porn, given the scarcity of Panda sex, but there you go.
Which all makes me wonder, that maybe without mans intervention, Pandas would be extinct. There are plenty of species that mans activities have brought to extinction, or the brink of it, but this is just the opposite - nature has created an animal that doesn't breed or move (unless you poke it with a stick) so surely we're just screwing with natural selection by getting them jacked up on Viagra and playing Barry White.
In my view, there are other species on the planet more worthy of saving - they just have the misfortune to not look as cute. And why are they called Giant Pandas? Where did all the normal sizes ones go? Probably eaten by the Giant ones - wouldn't surprise me...

Anyways, enough of upsetting people, here's a little ditty from a few years back - and quite possibly the only song by these guys I've ever heard (apparently the rest isn't worth listening to). I thnk they're using this on TV at the moment to advertise another TV show as well...
.

Steart Lee - The funniest man in the world... today anyway.

2009-06-17T16:58:00.005+01:00

Went to see a comedy show on a boat yesterday. A bit freakin' weird it being on a boat and all. They did have a rather large bar, which I thought was selling very strong beer until I realised it was the boat randomly rocking and not just me.
Anyways - a good night with a good line up, including quite possibly the funniest man alive Stewart Lee.
And in his honour, here's a clip of him talking about books from his recent TV series :

Acts of god

2009-06-11T11:46:00.003+01:00

What is an act of god? I've been writing a bit lately (about someone who thinks he's god) and was thinking about this.
All insurance policies have it down - but what does it actually mean? Does it mean that if a plague of locust steal my car I'm not covered? If I had a house on the shore of the red sea a couple of thousand years ago and it got flooded out when that Moses guy parted it in the middle, thereby raising the sea level everywhere else - would I still be covered?
Or does it include all acts of god - in which case (if you're religiously inclined) just about everything is an act of god. If a tree falls on my house - god made the tree, the wind etc... therefore it's his fault. If someone sets fire to my house - god put him here on the planet - therefore is it an act of god in a roundabout way? Where do you draw the line?
And what about atheists. For them it's just a case of 'shit happens' - nothing's an act of god. Is that a valid argument on a claim form?
And no-one ever seems to say which god - there's thousands of religions around the world - they can't all be right.

Personally, I'm agnostic - so I'm siding with the 'shit happens' folks - but it's an interesting question nonetheless which had me pondering for a while this morning.

Anyways - enough of the philosophising - here's The Killers doing some accoustic magic. Going to see them later this month, so I'm currently listening to them pretty much non-stop.

A week is a long time...

2009-06-08T10:59:00.007+01:00

We've had elections here in the last week (both local - for councilors and European - for MEPs). We've also seen a lot of in-fighting, plotting, hissy fits, and general murky goings on within the government. The big question in Britain being will Gordon Brown still be prime minister this time next week or will some MPs bump him off in the night.
The whole situation can be confusing, so I've put together a wholly biased and inaccurate handy guide to explain who's who, and a little of what's going on.

David Cameron - leader of the conservatives.
Seen by many as nothing but a vacuous toff, nonetheless, the conservative party are now out in the lead in the polls, and will most probably win the next general election (whenever that is). They have an interesting strategy, in that they don't actually have any policies, or indeed, any opinion on anything at all. They
just keep their mouths shut and wait for the the current government to
mess things up royally, so people will vote for them on the 'can't do any worse'
ticket. Despite some of them using taxpayers money to have their moats cleaned, this is proving to be the most popular thing they've ever done.

Nick Clegg- Vince Cables stunt man, and leader of the liberal democrats. This is the only picture of him known to exist. Ask pretty much anyone in the UK who the leader of the lib dems is, and they'll say Vince Cable (including Vince Cable).

Apparently he was raised by wolves.

And now for the lot currently in power:

Hazel Blears (photo actual size). Former communities secretary and MP for Lillyput. In a way, the one who kicked it all off with her spectacular resignation.
Basically, she dodged paying tax, misused taxpayers money and apologised - which is where she went wrong. Other ministers who did the same and didn't apologies got away with it.

She is actually only 7 inches tall and was created in 1981 by Jim Hensons workshop as a prototype for 'The Dark Crystal'. Her loss to the government is seen by most as 'a pretty good thing'.

Caroline Flint - Former housing minister and all round sex goddess. Another spectacular resignation, blaming Gordon for leading the party on a downward spiral, and for not noticing when she got her hair cut. She's said that Gordon used her for 'window dressing' and that she had no power as a minister, never got invited round for tea and biscuits, and was generally there just to look pretty and make it appear that there where women making decisions in government. To which Gordon quite rightly responded 'There there, now don't you worry your pretty little head about it'. With her and the dwarf gone, along with pretty much every other women in any position of power, Alistair Darling has been told he can only continue in his role as chancellor if he wears a dress.

Gordon 'Happy' Brown - Depending on when you're reading this, either Prime Minister, or former Prime minister. It's been something of a bad few weeks for Mr Brown. It all started off with his rather good impression of the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang on youtube, and he surprised everyone by going downhill from there. Pretty much everyone around him has resigned, and in the European elections on Thursday he managed to steer his party to it's worst election result since 1918. He's also blamed for the current financial crisis, and seen as a dithering idiot who is out of touch with the British people. Makes you feel bad just watching to be honest. In political terms, he's like an old incontinent sheep dog. He mopes around looking sad all day, and you can't help but think that someone should take him to the vets for a long sleep.

Some more stuff I wrote

2009-06-01T21:13:00.007+01:00

As promised, here's a bit of - wait for it - actual writing!
Wrote this in bed last night, edited for 10 minutes this afternoon, and here you go. Consequently, it's a little thin on plot, however, I wrote this more as a 'mood setter' rather than a story. It's about travelling on the London underground (hence the title), however, I'd also like to point out that the views of the narrator are not mine - I actually quite enjoy it in a weird masochistic kinda way.
Hope you all likey, please feel free to leave comment whether you found it good, bad, or ordinary. As all writers should, I value anyones view whatever it is.

Also - for those of you not living in the UK, Gregg's is a chain of shops selling unhealthy pastry, and a pasty is generally meat and potatoes wrapped in lard filled pastry.

I'll try do 'propper' writing on here more often, in the mean time, you can find the last one I wrote by following this link.

On the tube

Stood next to the door with the box at my feet, I hold onto the rail to steady myself against the random rocking of the carriage, my knuckles white against the red paint that identifies my train as being on the central line.

And I try not to think about the thousands of hands who’ve held this rail before me and how well do they clean these trains anyway?

The pretty girl opposite me in the Blonde hair with the bright pink lips and a dress that looks expensive says ‘I just want our family to move forward as one unit’ to the man at her side who looks annoyed.
Oxford circus and the doors open to the fishbowl world. Prams and bags, old ladies in big coats, foreign students in rucksacks.
The doors close and we all shuffle half an inch – a token gesture to our travelling companions, a hint of solidarity. All jerk forwards, and on our way to Tottenham court road. Above us Oxford street; half a mile of too small shops selling hats wearing union jacks, love London T-shirts, teapots shaped like old red telephone boxes, key chains, fridge magnets, postcards, watches, anything they can put a flag and a funny slogan on whilst 120 watts of sub woofer play a thump thump thump that lasts until forever, spilling out onto the pavement with their dodgy merchandise, polluting the world with their words.

The station arrives and the doors open. A small child with ginger hair in the seat next to where I’m standing says to his mother ‘they’ve done arm transplants from dead people in China’.
Freaks and geeks mind the gap and we all move back half an inch. A fat man stands next to me, sausage fingers wrapped around a Gregg’s pasty. He’s sweating grease, his matted hair stuck down to his head as he chomps away at the carbs in his hand. I wonder for a moment what he’d look like if you sliced him open, if he’d look like a Gregg’s pasty all the way through, just pastry and fat, potatoes and not much meat, all grey. Moments like these are why they invented the ipod. Plug yourself into another world, where you can’t hear the screaming babies or the bad grammar, where the birds sing a pretty song. Loose your thoughts.

And I try not to think of grey hairs, getting fat, getting old, lung cancer and myocardial infarction.

But I don’t have an ipod, just the box at my feet.

Blogger's Cafe award

2009-05-31T18:34:00.005+01:00

Thanks to Argentum Vulgaris over at Blogger's Cafe for awarding me the Blogger's Cafe First Award. Truly undeservedly of me I'm sure!
The rules say I have to pass this on to 8 others (who in turn pass it one etc...) and quote the following:
“These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

Now I usually tend to pass on awards to the same folks (you know who you are, and how great you are - well at least how great I think you are if that matters for anything). Truth is everyone on my 'Blogs worth reading' list are just that, along with plenty of others (sorry, not very good at updating that list!)

So I've decided to pass this award on to the blogs I've not passed anything on to before. These are all very good blogs, and I urge you to take a moment to go check them out:

1, 2, and 3: Amy Greenburg, Rachel G, and Susan K all over at Daily Artwork
4 - Nicole over at The Writings of Noupa *
5 - Ram over at The Prison Diary of Ram Venkatararam (formerly The Food Here Convenience Store before his - er - incarceration)
6 - Ben Goldacre at Bad Science
7 - Chrissy at I Shoulda Been a Strippa
8 - AV of course, over at Blogger's Cafe to name just one.

And there you have it. I'm not going to the usual thing of telling these people they've won something, as I'm helping cook Chicken Tagine, and well, it's 8 comments to write and I'm lazy. Plus some of these people are far too popular to care - but I urge you all to go have a read for yourself, and tell them I sent you.

In separate news, we had a 'Spanish Festival' here today in London. They closed off Regent Street to traffic, and in it's place had loads of tents full of crowds of people all wondering what the people at the front where looking at. They were also cooking 2 giant Paellas on what appeared to be captured UFOs, and had dancing horse from Menorca - as my wife mused 'the horse version of synchronised swimming'.

Was a tad disappointing I have to admit, as when you did manage to fight your way through to the front of a crowd, you found that there was just a man at the front giving out holiday brochures for villa, however, the wife did manage to climb over pensioners and tourists at one stall to get a free hat. Worth the trip for everyone else to casualty I'm sure.

Also, if I don't smoke today I've manged a week without - which means I've already reduced my risk of a heart attack by 50% and screamed loudly into a pillow every 10 minutes. I'm hoping the withdrawal symptoms - which consist of me shouting loudly at the world in general - will soon subside.

Until then, I'll leave you with a quote:
'I started out with nothing, and I've still got most of it left.'

EDIT - It's come to my attention that I haven't actually written any fiction, or anything about writing fiction pretty much since I started writing this blog, which is what I was originally intending to do (hence the title). Sorry all, I'll get something down tonight whilst I'm drunk and post tomorrow when I',m sober.

Off the Boyle

2009-05-30T08:10:00.005+01:00

Apologies - but this is another post about people singing on TV.

Tonight is the final of 'Britain's got talent', and unless you've been living in a cave for the last month, you've probably heard of Susan Boyle - the 100million hits on youtube singing muppet.
Now don't get me wrong, she can sing quite well, and I'm sure she's a lovely lady (though going ballistic at journalists this week hasn't helped her image), but she's no Kathryn Jenkins.

The fact is, that if she was pretty, she'd be pretty unremarkable. The only thing that makes her stand out is that you don't expect someone who looks like they should definitely get out more (and do some serious plucking with their eyebrows) to be able to sing. If she was 25, reasonably attractive and sang like that, no one outside of the UK would have heard of her, and she may well have not made the semis. Certainly not the final with the out of tune start she had singing memory this week - which the judges seemed to completely miss. No doubt they're banking on her making the final to boost the ratings. Piers Morgan is a prick, and Amanda Holden can't move her face because of all the botox, so I don't expect them to tell the truth, but even Simon Cowell said she did well - and he's usually honest to the point of brutal.
I'm sure this says a lot about the society we live in, and the way we judge people on looks (good and bad), but I'm no psychologist.

There's been lots of press around her this week, maybe quitting the show, going mental at the TV because a singer in another semi-final did well, close to breaking point from the pressure etc... most of which seems to be pretty lame PR by the shows producers and judges to me.
To quote Jo Hemmings, a behavioural psychologist 'She's angry, she overwhelmed. It's all very sad'
My prediction - she won't win. No way they'd risk putting her in front of the queen in her current precarious mental state.

On a brighter note - I'm still not smoking. This is my 6th day, so going pretty well. I'm trying to avoid alcohol - which will either help in that alcohol makes me want to smoke, or hinder, as now I have 2 things to not do. Maybe I should just join a monastery.

Swine plague

2009-05-28T08:50:00.004+01:00

Well I've got 'man-flu' (as the wife calls it) in May. Not just any May, but abut the hottest, sunniest May on record, which I'm sure is not the usual time of year to catching these things.

Personally, I think it's probably swine flu, or the plague, or some weird cross-hybrid of swine plague. No doubt Dustin Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr will be parachuting from a helicopter onto my roof any minute now to stop Donald Sutherland blowing up my apartment block.

Strange thing diseases, especially viruses. You ask me, we should be vaccinating the pigs, they're the ones who are giving people flu. I'm sure it can't be that hard, I mean, they can vaccinate cats against AIDS for crying out loud. Maybe we should get the vets and the doctors to all switch jobs for a week, see how things work out.

The good thing is I'm not smoking - breathing is hard enough at the moment without making things even more difficult for myself. Hopefully I'll last longer than a week this time.

From the strange to the F*%£ed up

2009-05-19T14:53:00.008+01:00

Tuesdays are normally my least favourite day of the week, but today I feel strangely sanguine. Maybe it's because I've got lots of stuff planned for the weekend (my sister-in-law is coming to stay), or maybe it's because my wife's been putting Valium in my coffee to make me more cheerful, but whatever, good days should be enjoyed, not dissected for their meaning.

On a 'I-should-really-have-blogged-about-this-at-the-weekend' note, the UK came 5th in this years fantabulously weird and probably most camp competition in the world - Eurovision, which was held on Saturday in Moscow. Our entry was sung by Jade, accompanied by the phantom of the opera himself, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and watched by me and wife accompanied by a coupld of bottles of wine (not necessary but highly recommended).
For those of you outside of Europe, who are not familiar with this annual spectacle, allow me to explain.

Every year, Europe holds a song contest. Just about ever country in Europe (and Israel which always puzzled me) puts a song forward. There's normally a couple of heats before the top 25 songs get performed live on stage in the country that won it the previous year, followed by the live votes from all of the European countries (and Israel) which decide the winner. Previous entrants include that little know band at the time Abba, as well as God botherer Cliff Richards and Bucksfizz.

The acts are normally your typical euro-pop. It's customary for them to wear some sort of hideous costume that makes your eyes hurt, whilst belting out such great lyrics as 'Dum tek tek' (this years Turkish entry which came 4th).
There's also usually a couple of entries that are just plane weird, and the odd one or two that are actually disturbing, such as Russia's entry this year which seemed to consist of a woman having a nervous breakdown whilst a video of herself turning into an old woman was played behind her on the stage. I guess they couldn't afford to host it 2 years running.

Anyways, the winner this year with quite possibly the most annoying song in the world was Norway - some fiendishly cute elf-man playing a violin and singing about being in love. Someone pass the bucket. They scored a new record of 387 points, easily beating the previous highest score of 297 or thereabouts set by Lordi, the zombie death metal band who won it a couple of years ago with 'Hard Rock Hallelujah'.
Yes, you read that correctly, zombie death metal.

They were followed in second place by Iceland, whose entry was a very nice ballad sung by a pretty girl dressed like one of those dolls old people put on top of toilet rolls. They were robbed if you ask me, much better than Norwegian elf boy.
Third were Azerbaijan, I have no idea where that is on a map.

But hey, we came 5th! that's the first time we've been in the top 10 for years, mostly due to the fact that they've changed the voting system, so now half the votes come from people phoning in. Last year (as in previous years) it was decided in each country by a panel who voted for whatever country was threatening to invade/turn off their gas supply if they didn't vote for them.

My personal favourite was the Ukraine, with 'Be my Valentine (Anti-crisis girl)'. Apparently she re-mortgaged her flat to pay for the stage set-up. The bit with her being towed by Roman soldiers whilst playing the drums is the best bit.

And not forgetting Germany of course - awful song, but they had Dita Von Teese taking off her clothes on stage, so not all bad!

I'll leave you with some of the highlights, just to annoy you.

Now looking for a new flat - Ukraine

Previous winners Lordi. If you think this is bad, you should have seen second place.

Springboks make me drink too much

2009-05-15T12:47:00.006+01:00

Went out last night with the wife to Vivat Bachus - they had a South African wine tasting/meal thingy. Very enjoyable,

The night started out at the bar they have there, with the winemakers all the way over from South Africa giving out the wine at the wine tasting. Like most wine tasting I've been to, nobody spits it out, so by the time we'd done there and headed down to the restaurant, we were pretty battered already. Dinner was 5 - yes 5 course, each one with a different wine. So that's 5 meals and 5 glasses of wine. Here's how it went:

1st course:

Already feeling a little 'lubricated'. The food was chilled watercress soup with roast scallops and chorizo oil, accompanied by a rather nice white wine from the Tokara vineyard.

2nd course:

Starting to feel 'mostly lubricated'. We get pan fried Froi Gras with sweet corn puree and a glass of Hamilton Russell Pinot Noir. Not a big Froi Gras fan - tastes a little like warm meaty blancmange.

My wife looks extremely pretty today.

3rd course:

Roast Springbok with Risotto and some Vanilla stuff with a glass of Thelema cabernet sauvignon.

The woman from the Hamilton vineyard comes over to say hello and asks if we're enjoying our evening. 'Hell yeah!' cries the wife. I tell her I've never eaten Springbok before but I've seen one on TV.

My wife looks out of focus.

4th course:

Cheese board and some red stuff in a glass. Think it's a Syrah - tastes very nice. Most of my cheeses smell funny and I'm sure one of them just moved. The Chef comes over to ask how we're liking it so far. I tell him I saw a Springbok once on the tele - I think David Attenborough was there. He says that's very nice. My wife throws cheese at him.

5th course:

Ever wondered what wine gums and real flowers taste like? Well I no longer need wonder as that's what was on the table just next to my head. They bring us some more wine which is either in a very small glass, or my hands are ginormous. The waiter asks if I'm OK and could I please ask my wife to stop dancing on the table and trying to get everyone to sing along to Jay Zs 'Can I get a'. I tell him I saw a Springbok once on David Attenborough, and has he got any peanuts?

Somehow managed to get the tube home without falling asleep and waking up miles away at 2am.

I am one classy guy.

2009-05-13T05:19:00.006+01:00

Well it's a little after 5am, and I'm partially awake and typing.
I hate not being able to sleep. I have this weird kind of insomnia some days whereby I find it really easy to get to sleep at night, I just wake up ridiculously early and can't go back to sleep (about 4am today).

Personally, I blame work. Having a shitter of a week/month/year.
To make my boring job worse, our overlords have told us that we won't be getting a pay rise this year. Pay freezes for everyone. They've also said that no one can get promoted, as that would mean they'd have to give them a pay rise, and they're not going to do that. Which is particularly bad if you got told you were getting a promotion at this years annual review - one of only 2 times in the year that anyone is allowed to be promoted, and now you're told you'll have to wait.
It's not like I work for a bank or anything, so I'm pretty sure this is just to piss us off and increase profit margins.

On a cheerier note, I've just discovered Don DeLillo - friend of mine bought me a couple of his books. Reading White Noise at the mo, not got very far yet, but it's pretty good so far.
His writing style is a little like mine, or more accurately, my writing style is a little like his, only he's much better at it than me - with clipped sentences and the like. Not that I write that much like that here, this is just me madly ranting my inane tirade into the void, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Kreativ Blogger

2009-05-07T11:19:00.004+01:00

Thanks to Street Guru over at What the world needs now for awarding me with the Kreativ Blogger thingy.

Cheers dude!

I have to list 7 things I love apparently, so here we go in no particular order:

The wifey - Mrs Block. As a friend said to me on my wedding day 'you do know you're punching above your weight don't you?'
London - lived here long enough to know it's a great place, but not long enough to get sick of the tube (yet)
Fridays - don't we all?
The south bank - full of my kind of weirdos
My camera
Writing - must do more!!!
A nice glass of red wine - especially when combined with numbers 1 and 3

I also have to award 7 other folks, so here they are - again in no particular order:

HillBilly Duhn over at Hillbilly Duhn's times and tribulations
JoJo over at I once was captain of whatever
MissMess over at Life as a loaded gun
E over at Epiphanizing
Michael over at If you're going through hell keep going
Amanda at My photos
Short Stick over at the Patsy log - gone but not forgotten

Pig flu and 26 miles later...

2009-05-01T13:37:00.003+01:00

Well she did it!
4hrs 32mins - second hottest London Marathon - 6000 people requiring medical assistance - position 4 thousand and something - which puts her in the top 12%
And she didn't stop once, ran all the way. I'm very proud indeed, and she's raised over £1700 so far as well for the sick kids.

Now if only people would stop asking me if I'm doing it next year....

Anyways, enough of the feel good stuff, and on to global pandemics.
You may be mistaken for thinking that face masks are the latest designer craze amongst the cool kids and Mexicans but no, we're all going to die apparently. Thank god the media's not overreacting or anything (that was sarcasm incidentally).
And I'm not entirely sure why everyone's buying masks anyway, given that they don't actually offer any protection whatsoever. But let's put this into some sort of perspective.

So far, there have been 13 deaths, 1 in the US and the rest in Mexico.
In the average year, 'normal' flu infects 5 million people worldwide, and kills 36,000 in the US alone, and between 250,000 and 500,000 worldwide. In fact I'd go as far to say that there's never been a better time to get flu; you sneeze now and you'll be carted happily off to hospital to get shot full of Tamiflu and monitored 24 hours a day until you're all better. I'd say your chances of survival look a hell of a lot better than the average year.
And let us not forget the last swine flu epidemic in the US in 1976. The strain closely resembled the 1918 Spanish flu pandemic, and was considered to be that great a risk that terribly bad public service adverts were aired, and the powers that be decided to mass vaccinate everyone.
In the end, 1 person died of swine flu. However, 500 people contracted Guillain-Barre Syndrome from the vaccine, 25 of which later died. So in other words, the vaccine killed 25 times more people than the virus itself.

No one knows how far the current swine flu will spread, or how many people will be infected or die. But I'd say on the information we have so far, you're a lot more likely to win the lottery.

Anyways, here's a little ditty for you. I've never heard of the 'slap chop', but I'm sure my dad had something very similar when I was a kid.

Nicholas Cage's Twin Brother

2009-04-25T09:45:00.003+01:00

Is it just me, or separated at birth?

Face off is on TV this weekend - that'll be shit then.

Budget day

2009-04-23T14:44:00.004+01:00

3 days to Marathon day - and Mrs Block is getting pretty sick of pasta right now...
I made Meatballs and spaghetti last night and it was pretty awesome even if I do say so myself.
I've been tasked with organising the godless hordes that will descend upon our house on Saturday from the four corners of the midlands. We've got 7 coming so far, with another 2 on Sunday. I hope they're either bringing beds or can sleep standing up.
Not sure what to do for breakfast for everyone on Sunday, I'll see if I can find Jesus' recipe for cod in breadcrumbs - he managed to feed 5000 with that one, so it should do the trick.

Anyways, we had the budget yesterday where the chancellor Alistair Darling (or comedy eyebrows man as he's more commonly known) did his usual trick of raising taxes and telling us that he got all the figures wrong last time, and we're a lot more screwed than he thought. He then tells us that there's no reason to panic, as this time next year we'll all be millionaires - so pretty much the same things he said last year. It all gets a bit complicated to follow, so I've listed the main points here for you:

Cigarettes - price is going up - given that there's a looming problem with people living to a ripe old age and the government worrying about how they're going to pay for everyones pension, the smart thing would be to put the tax down. People would smoke more which means more tax overall, and die before getting their pension, it's win win!
Alcohol - see above. (Is it just me, or does he seem to have it in for me?)
Income tax - anyone earning more than £150,000 has to pay 5p more tax. Apparently this is going to plug the £93Squillion hole.
Economy - The British economy will shrink this year by 3.5%. But next year it'll grow by 4256% and we'll all be driving Porsches.
Petrol - Going up to £942 a gallon so we won't be able to afford to drive the Porches anywhere.
Borrowing - National debt now has so many zeros after it that the calculator broke - but they're going to have a whip round at the weekend so that's alright then

And that's pretty much it. There was some other crap about tax credits and mortgages, but seeing as I have neither, I turned over to watch 'Deal or no Deal' instead

Tutus, breakfast and some light music.

2009-04-21T10:26:00.005+01:00

I now know how to make a Tutu. Another of life's essential skills mastered there then.

This is actually for my wifey. No, she's not a ballerina, she's running the London Marathon on Sunday, and has decided that to make things just that little bit trickier - and increase her chances of getting on TV, she's going to run it in a Tutu, hence us walking around Soho on Saturday trying to find suitable Tutu material.

So last night, we got out the scissors and YouTube, learnt how to make one without sewing, and voila - 45 mins later, half a Tutu. We just need to go get some more fabric and we'll have a full one in no time. It is surprisingly easy - you should all try it.

Anyways - I was watching Breakfast on the BBC this morning whilst ironing the wifeys shirt for her - God I'm starting to sound like a right domestic goddess today aren't I. Anyways, I was manly ironing a shirt this morning, watching Breakfast on the BBC, which is something I don't normally have on - in fact I don't normally have the TV on at all in the mornings, and watching it I remembered why.

Bill Bloody Turnbull.

As a journalist and news presenter, I guess he's OK, but they really shouldn't let him speak to people. They had Lady GaGa on this morning, and he just kept banging on about her eye shadow like it was a totally new concept for women to put coloured powder on their eyes. Nice one Bill, we wouldn't want to hear about the music or anything, make-up tips are what keeps your show real.

This was closely followed by him telling the gorgeous Natascha McElhone that her TV series Californifaction was quite a bit like 'The OC'. Yes Bill, they're both set in California I'll give you that, but perhaps you should watch them first yeah?

I don't know, it's Kate Silverton I feel sorry for.

Anyways - as treat for you all today, this is my mate's band, Alberto Veto, when they played down here in sunny London about a month back. A great gig, if you listen closely, you'll hear me clapping.

Funtag

2009-04-17T15:58:00.004+01:00

Sorry about yesterday's post. I get a little irate sometimes and feel like screaming at the world.
I've had a few deep breaths and cigarettes since then, so I'm feeling much calmer today.

And it's Friday - that mystical day of the week when nobody really gives a flying monkeys arse about work and stuff - and just looks forward to the 2 Utopian days we call the weekend. Bliss.
Saying that, I am actually doing sod all this weekend. No money until Monday, and it's rained solid for 2 days. I'll have to see what fun things I can do inside that are free. Suggestions on a postcard....
I also need to get writing. My 'living next door to god' story needs some working out. I'm hoping to get the first draft done sometime within the next week - then the hard work of editing, re-writing, editing, re-writing some more - you know the drill. Good job I enjoy this shiz.

In random news - the guys over at Pirate Bay have been sentenced to a year in Jail each. Those of you who don't know what the pirate bay is/does, where have you been for the last 5 years? Not that I'd ever download anything illegally of course - not ever. Honest. Moving swiftly on...

Facebook makes you thick and Twitter makes you a crim - The joys of modern networking...

Anyways here's a funny little film than explains it if you can't be arsed to read the article. And yes I know there's plenty who'll disagree with me on this, but I'm right so there:

Living in Oceania

2009-04-16T18:38:00.003+01:00

Another day, another living-in-a-police-state incident...

Those of you who don't know, and I don't know who of you don't know or know, or even care come to that, might be interested in knowing that the UK has more CCTV cameras per person than any other country in the world. You can also be held without charge by the police longer than in any other democratic country in the world - and there are a lot of those that aren't very nice to live in. We also have the largest DNA database - mostly populated with the DNA of innocent people who have not been convicted of any crime, and children.

Anyways, back to the point - a 69 year old Austrian tourist was out with his 15 year old son in my part of London, when he was stopped by police who deleted all the photos he'd taken of a bus-stop, as well as taking his passport number and hotel details. According to the officers, it's now illegal to take a picture of anything to do with transport in this country. Perhaps they should have a word with Google street-maps then.
This comes hot the heels of a new law that's just been passed which means you can be arrested for taking a picture of a policeman which gives a hint of sad irony to the following.
During the recent G20 protests, Ian Tomlinson who owned a newspaper stand and was merely passing by on his way home from work collapsed and died of a heart attack. Originally, the police claimed they'd had no dealings with him and where hampered by protesters when they tried to help him. The IPCC (internal affairs type people who investigate police misconduct) said that no CCTV cameras where in the area.
That is until this video was handed to the newspapers showing him being assaulted by a policeman to whom he had his back to (and had his hands in his pockets) just before he collapsed and died. Also handed in to the newspapers, photos of the scene with police controlled CCTV cameras pointing to the place where it happened. There's now a growing collection over at the guardian of the police beating up journalists, women, setting dogs on people etc...
And don't even get me started on arresting opposition politicians for no reason.

Sorry if this is somewhat of a political rant - but sometimes things just piss me off. There's things about my country I love, but there's a growing list of things I don't as we creep slowly but surely from a democracy to a police state. Orwell was right, he just got the year wrong.

Back once again with the ill behaviour...

2009-04-11T16:32:00.004+01:00

.. and cheesey 90's dance track lyrics as well.

Sorry I've not written in sooo long, I've been particularly busy at work and all that 'real life' stuff that tends to get in the way.

So happy Easter everyone - not particularly religious myself, but nothing like a good excuse to eat chocolate and have a couple of days off work. It being a bank holiday, Mrs Block has had me wallpapering and clearing out the spare room. Does look pretty now though, so time well spent.
I've also been working on a new short(ish) story I'm thinking about sending off to a competition. If it doesn't win, which is statistically likely, I'll post it in installments here. It's broadly about a guy who looses his job/girlfriend etc.. and ends up living next door to a guy who thinks he's god. Hopefully it will make more sense than it sounds.

Anyways, it being Easter also means we get bombarded with shit TV. 50 channels of 'which-idiot-thought-this-would-make-good-TV?' so far, with the odd sprinkling of the worst of what Hollywood has to offer. Still, there's a Dr Who Easter special on tonight - with Michelle 'bionic woman' Ryan as the new assistant which might be good. Also, Dave (that's the name of the TV channel) have made 3 new episodes of Red Dwarf - one of the best things the BBC ever did in my humble opinion - apart from the last series which was pretty awful.

One of the worst things the BBC ever did is also running at the moment - 'My Life as an Animal'. This 'groundbreaking' show follows 8 volunteers as they live with animals. The last one had some guy living with pigs. This doesn't mean he invites a pig to stay with him at home for a week, oh no. Instead he goes and lives in a pig sty, with a bunch of pigs, 24 hours a day for 4 days, eating what they eat, 'talking' to them in grunts, sleeping with them etc... you get the picture.
Why would anyone want to do this? No bloody idea. Why would anyone want to watch this drivel? Sorry - can't help you there either. Nice to know that my £120 a year for TV licence is being spent well by the 12 year olds that make up the management team there. Well done guys, I can see now why you cut the budget for all the news programmes and generally interesting stuff in order to fund this. Nice one indeed.

Anyways, enough of my rants, here's a pretty picture to calm me down. I took this on holiday a couple of years ago. If anyone can guess the country, you'll get - er well, sod all really, but I'll give you a shout out and a well done.

And I promise to post more often. Honest. Whether you want me to or not - so there.

The miracle that is artic roll

2009-03-03T15:43:00.005Z

Guess what's back - yes, the artic roll. I had one yesterday in fact!
For those of you unfamiliar with this miracle in a box - it's sponge cake wrapped around ice-cream and jam. They used to sell them by the truck load back in the 80's but they stopped making them when demand dropped off. Now we're in a credit crunch, and everyone wants cheap and imaginative ways to eat sugar, they've started up again.
I'm pretty sure as a child you used to cook these. Apparently the sponge cake acts as an insulator and stops the ice cream from melting, however, I can't find a recipe anywhere that involves putting the whole thing in the oven, so I'm not sure if I made it up...
It is pretty amazing stuff though - well it was when I was a kid, the one I had yesterday tasted like carpet. I could never figure out as a child why they didn't use sponge cake more widely as an insulator. Surely if it can keep ice-cream frozen for 20 minutes in an oven, it would make a great fire retardant. We should all be putting it up instead of wall paper to fireproof our homes. In fact, I might give that a go this evening...

Anyways, it's Tuesday again, my least favourite day of the week. I cheered myself by applying for a new job this morning - anything beats the one I have.

Still scratching

2009-02-28T08:58:00.006Z

No I'm not dead. Just resting - despite the fact I've been nailed to this chair.

Though it has been a while my fellow blogsters - 'real life' stuff, a bit of a jolly, visitors from far etc... all add to my long list of feeble of excuses for not just getting off my arse and writing something.

I have been busy on the novel front however, having just finished chapter 13, and heading with some speed and my eyes closed into chapter 14 rather like being pushed in a Tesco trolley.

All-in-all, I'm probably a little over half way now - which is both inspiring and depressing at the same time. Inspiring as I'm over half way, and depressing as I've got nearly as much to do again, plus the edit, and then the re-write, and then the other re-write before it'll be ready to be unleashed upon the world of publishers and agents who'll probably think it's shit.

Oh well - keeps me off the streets.

No vids or quotes today - but a bit of writing advice that I was once given by someone who does it for a living:

'Never use the phrase 'of course' (unless it's in dialogue). It just sounds a bit crap and amateurish. You don't have to replace it with anything else, just cut it out and It'll all sound better, trust me.'

Tuesday blues and the olympics

2009-02-17T20:27:00.011Z

I hate Tuesdays. The buzz of the weekend has worn off, and it's miles and miles until the next one. Given that my Monday to Friday is normally pretty shit anyway, and I live only for weekends - this is a depressing day indeed.

The wife is out to dinner tonight in Stratford - no, not the home of William Shakespeare, that's Stratford-on-Avon, a rather quaint 'what all the tourists think the whole of England is like' type place where people talk about the weather, literature, and drink copious amounts of tea. The Stratford my wife's gone to is more a 'this looks just like the set of Blade Runner' type of place, mostly due to the fact that it's where they're building lots of the stuff for the 2012 Olympic games, or as the locals call it, the slums of the future.

Not that I'm against the Olympic games or anything. I'm sure the spending of several billion pounds in the middle of the recession for something that's going to last 2 weeks is a great idea. And of course there's the long-lasting legacy that all the politicians are so keen to remind us of. Though when I last checked, they were thinking of turning the stadium into a warehouse for B&Q (that's like home depot for all my American visitors). The problem they have is that no one wants to buy a giant stadium capable of holding a squillion people. The nearest football team is Leyton Orient, whose average attendance is around 5000 - so enough to almost fill one side. Somehow I don't see them as a being all that keen in taking it over.

At least it'll showcase British engineering and building skills - it will be a proud day for us all when they finally declare it open in 2013. And don't even get me started on the logo. Described mostly as 'man on toilet' or 'Simpsons blowjob'

Anyways, Masterchef is on TV now, and Horizon is on after that - they're talking about nuclear fusion today, and why despite the odd headline and lots of money and time on research, we still don't have one powering our flying cars we were all promised 20 years ago.

Oh well..

Quote for today:

'inspiration comes after the first line'

Love day and flash mob that wasn't

2009-02-16T13:04:00.007Z

As those of you who read here will know, Friday 13th was the date of the much anticipated zombie flash mob at London Bridge train station in London. The plan as I heard it was that as the clock flicked over to 19:00 - the 500 or so people confirmed to take part would start dancing to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
I was there, the wife was there, I persuaded a couple of friends to be there, waiting by the clock with camera in hand for the zombie fest to kick off. With 5 minutes to go, I took a couple of snaps of the extra police that'd been brought in:

5 minutes later and the clock flicked over to 19:00 - and nothing happened. Well, when I say nothing, it wasn't actually nothing, me, along with the whole bunch of other people who'd gathered to watch all looked disappointed. About 5 minutes later, these guys showed up:

And that was it. 500 'confirmed' - about 6 turned up. Unlike the onlookers and photographers who'd made a far greater effort:

along with the folks who work at the station who'd drafted in extra staff and had been having contingency meetings for 2 days in case things got out of hand with too many zombies.

All in all - a bit shit really. As i exclaimed in the car park - 'I travelled for 45 minutes on the tube for THIS!'

If the person or persons who organised the event are reading this - you're crap. Really crap, I mean totally "couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery" crap. This event wasn't just poor, it was butt-clenchingly piss poor.

Tossers

Anyways, Hope you all had a good love day on Saturday. I got the wife some roses and a card - she read me some poetry and made me breakfast in bed. All very romantic.

We then went out with some friends to the great Vinopolis where we drank lots of wine, followed by the old favourite of "cooking-whilst-pissed" which turned out a lot better than you'd think.

My wife's souffles are amazing.

No video today - but you do get a quote:

'Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law'

I win more stuff!

2009-02-13T08:13:00.006Z

Thanks to Bill over at the blog of the day awards for making me blog of the day for Wednesday 11th Feb. My plan for world domination is progressing nicely Mwhahahaha!

Been a funny one this week - I started out thoroughly depressed and miserable for no apparent reason, and as the weeks gone on, I've slowly gotten more and more cheerful to arrive at my current manic status - again for no reason in particular.

Anyways, whilst I'm linking to other sites, the writers and poets amongst you may to have a look at The New Authors short story and poetry competition. Max of 1500 words for a short story, or 1 page for a poem - you've got until the end of March to enter.

Short one today - I've gotta go eat some toast.

You do get a vid though - today I am mostly listening to late 80s rock played on a kazoo and ukelele combination by a man with far too much spare time.

Flash flash, zombie zombie

2009-02-10T15:25:00.004Z

I have it on good authority that there will be a zombie flash mob on Friday 13th Feb (that's this Friday for those of you without a calender - or in 3 days time for anyone who doesn't know what day today is) at London Bridge train station in London.
Should be fun - I'm gonna try be there with camera phone in hand, so if I get any decent video, I'll post it here at the weekend. Nothing like zombies annoying commuters to get you in the mood for the weekend!

In other news this week - Todd Carty got voted off 'Dancing on Ice'. Though to be fair, he never actually danced on the ice, just seemed to get pulled around at an incredibly slow speed by his unfortunate partner.
For those of you unaware of this slice of surrealism on a Sunday night, I'll attempt to explain.
Several 'celebrities' are partnered up with professional ice skaters. Every Sunday, they compete to see who can wear the most sequins and fishnets before taking to the ice to 'dance' Olympic styley. A group of ex-ice skaters and random dancing folk then take turns to publicly mock them before giving them a score out of 6 each. Viewers are encouraged to vote for the couple they want to see humiliated again next week, and the bottom 2 in the 'honest-we-didn't-rig-this-one-like-Ant'N'Dec' phone vote have a 'skate-off' - one final fling around the ice - to decide which lucky contestant gets to go home and never ever have to do it again.
Think Strictly Come Dancing with knives attached to your feet, and you won't be far wrong.
Some guy last year actually broke his leg competing in this thing - I hope they get a book deal or something at the end.

Anyways, today I am mostly watching acoustic versions of Flo Rida's Low - you'll have to imagine your own fat hairy Tom Cruise 'Tropic Thunder' Styley:

A series of small walls...

2009-02-07T19:14:00.006Z

Just watching time team. For those of you who are unaware of this wondrous show, it's kinda like speed archaeology. Tony Robinson (of Blackadder fame - most definitely not pictured left) takes a bunch of bearded archaeologists with small trowels and the 'geo-fizz' guy off to a field somewhere for 3 days where they dig trenches, do some ground penetrating radar, and try and figure out what was there however many millenia ago.Every week without fail, they discover a 'series of small walls'. Why is that? Were our ancestors all 6 inches tall? Pixies built it maybe? Anyways, I think it's interesting, but the wife calls it the 'series of small walls' show. At least it's more interesting than post holes.

Speaking of the wife, she got lost on the tube today. 'How?' I hear you cry - 'I have no fucking idea' is my answer. I mean it's not that hard, especially as we've lived here over a year, she uses it every day, and we were going were we've been about a hundred times before. Nevertheless, she still managed it. That's talent that is.We get on the Piccadilly line in the middle of London to go 2 stops so we can change onto the Central line at Holborn. I get off at Holborn, the wife (who's about 10 feet away - crowded tube today) just sits there merrily listening to her ipod and reading the paper. It's not until the trains gone and everyone else is off the platform that I realise she's still on it. Took her another 3 stops to realise she was on the wrong train and I wasn't there. Jeez, I thought I was more noticeable than that.

Anyways, all safely back home now, and we're settled in for European night. Not got enough money to go out, so we're staying in and eating Pizza and Chili, drinking Belgium beer, and we're about to watch 'Amelie' (French film with Audrey Tautou) followed by 'let the right one in' - a class Swedish film about a weiner kid who befriends a girl who's a vampire. Cue lots of blood and cats. Apparently Hollywood are re-making it - so that'll be shit. Go watch the original if you can.

I also just wanted to say thank you to Dita Von Teese today - her of marry-a-weirdo fame.
Burlesque dancing I'm sure used to be viewed as a bit sordid by many, but thanks to good old Dita, it's now 'culture' and my wife wants to take me to a show.
I am a lucky man indeed.

Today - in honour of New Zealand widget or whatever day - I am mostly listening to New Zealand folk parody (again) inventing rap:

Paris Hilton in search of a stalker

2009-02-04T08:51:00.010Z

Whilst flicking through TV channels last night, I caught the end of possibly the worst TV show ever. 'Paris Hilton's British Best Friend' - or to give it it's full title 'I want to be Paris Hilton's bitch'.

Thanks a bunch America, no really. First George Bush and now this? What are you feeding your kids, lead paint and mercury?

The show seems to be all about a bunch of sycophants in an ass-kissing contest, the prize being you get to be friends with Paris Hilton. Not really my cup of tea, but I guess some people are just plane nuts. I can already guess at the sort of events they're going to have, like 'how many Chihuahuas can you stuff in a Prada handbag'.

In a bid to find out what sort of folks go for this, I've managed to find some of the questions used by the researchers for the show to find the candidates with the 'right stuff', or in the words of Homer Simpson (no relation to Jessica) 'I'll kiss your butt and still call it ice-cream'.

Anyways, here they are:

Who should win the 2008 best acting Oscar?
a) Heath Ledger for ‘Batman – the Dark Knight’
b) Kate Winslet for 'crying at the golden globes'
c) Paris Hilton for ‘The Hottie and the Nottie’

How did Barrack Obama win the 2008 presidential campaign?
a) With a well thought out grass-roots campaign on the key issues facing the American public
b) Paris Hilton publicly backed him
c) Barrack who?

After a night out partying, you’re driving home and accidentally hit a parked car. A policeman spots you and asks you to pull over. Do you
a) Pull over calmly; perhaps he won’t notice you’ve downed 8 cans of RICH preseco.
b) Tell him you’ll do anything, no really, ANYTHING if he keeps it between the 2 of you.
c) Claim your assistant hadn’t told you it was illegal to drink and drive, start an online petition in a vain attempt to keep your ass out of jail and scream that it’s ‘not right!’ before finding God.

After meeting that ‘special guy’ at a party, he comes back to your hotel room and asks to spend the night. What should you do?
a) Tell him that you’re not a one-night-stand kind of girl and that if he really likes you he’ll respect that and take things slowly
b) Tell him he can stay but only if he wears a condom
c) Break out the night vision camcorder and ride him like a pony, claiming that the tape was subsequently ‘stolen’ and it’s only by coincidence that it’s been released on the net 1 week before your new series starts.

How did you score?
Mostly A’s – You’re a well balanced individual. What the hell are you doing here?
Mostly B’s – You’re a slut and have the intelligence of a chimp. Well done, keep honing those skills and there might be a place for you yet.

Mostly C’s – Congratulations! You’re a moron with no grasp on reality who thinks the world revolves around small dogs in handbags, perfume endorsements and drunken sex in hotel rooms. Now ask someone how to work a telephone and give us a call!

Today I am mostly watching wierd kids doing freaky things with their eye-brows in order to advertise chocolate. My favourite bits the baloon at the end.

The right type of snow

2009-02-03T10:55:00.010Z

Picture I took near my house - aren't I the arty one

Went to bed on Sunday - hardly any snow, just a few flakes falling. Wake up Monday morning, 8 inches everywhere. Fuckin' A! I do love the snow, I know most people don't (especially those who drive) but I work from home so I don't care.

The snow was that bad in fact, that they closed all except one line of the tube (the Victoria which is nowhere near where I live), cancelled every single bus in London, most trains weren't running, and a plane fell off the runway at Heathrow. This provoked the usual 'nothing-but-the-whether' on the news (guess it was a slow day) and people on my TV saying things like 'I've just got back from holiday in Alaska, and they cope just fine, it's a disgrace that the tube isn't running.'
For a start, Alaska gets significantly more snow than the UK, so is somewhat more prepared. Secondly, everyone in Alaska drives a snow plow (with the exception of Sarah 'I can see Russia from my house' Palin who drives a snow plow with a dead moose strapped to the roof).In the words of The Blonde One - 'We had the right type of snow, just the wrong type of quantity.'

Plus as the tube wasn't working, my wife (along with most other people who work in the city) got the day off and made snow angels. Here's one of hers:
She says she's never made one before, so is pretty proud of this effort.

Sadly the tube is running again today, so she's gone off to work. It is nice having her around the house, even if I do still have to work (yet one more reason not to work from home).

Anyways, it froze overnight, so now the pavements are solid ice, and it's gonna rain later, so I guess it won't last long. Still - nice whilst it's here.

I win stuff

2009-02-02T15:44:00.005Z

Thanks to Michael for giving me an award - I'd like to thank my agent, my manager, and all the little people, blah, blah etc...

Anyways, the rules of this award are:

If you get this award, put the image on your blog
List 10 truths about yourself
Give the award to 5 other people
Provide a meaningful quotation

So, first off, here's the 5 I'd like to give to an award to - I'd like to put Michael in there as he's got a great blog, but as he gave me the award, I guess that's not allowed, but check out his blog if you haven't already.

Anyways, in no particular order:

Short Stick over at The Patsy Log
Hillbilly Duhn over at HillBilly Dunh's Trails and Tribulations
Brian over at The New Author
Amanda over at My Photos
Blogging with a big perm over at the The office daily news

For those of you listed above, I realise that not all you guys would want a banner with 'Fabulous Fucking Blog' on your blogs, so I won't get offended if you don't put it on your blogs or pass it on.
If you're not on this list, please don't get upset, but do feel free to send me hate mail.

Now for 10 truths about me:

I hate my job - hardly anyone I work with knows this
My wife is much prettier than I am handsome
I'm writing a novel - currently on chapter 13 of the first draft
I don't write enough
Some days I think I'm the worlds greatest writer, other days I think I'm the worse. Trick is to write on the bad days as well, in retrospect, some of it is quite good.
I'm agnostic, and I think that if everyone else was the world they'd maybe get on a little better. Well, with me at least.
I hate coriander
I live in North East London
I don't drive - though in London there would be little point
I'm already feeling guilty for not giving the award to everyone else as well.

So there you have it. Just time for the quote:

'It is better to waste one's youth than do nothing with it at all.'

Friday friday friday!

2009-01-30T13:13:00.006Z

Ah joy, the weekend once more. My boss is on holiday as well, so I get to do very little today. Bliss.
I'm also in a good mood today, as I won the 'spot the ciggy packets' competition over at the Patsy Log, and won a dedication of this truly moving performance. of 'Arms wide open'. Cheers Babe.

Anyways, had lots of family come to see me this week, which means my Father is currently staying for what he claims is a week (very long story) - so not been writing as much as I'd like. Still, I'm here now, and wanted to to talk for a moment about award ceremonies. Not the kids-sports-day type thing, but the actors golden-statues-of-various-things type thing.
They had Kate bloody Winslet on TV again last night. I liked her when she was nobody, but now she's all wailing on at award ceremonies proving she can't act that well without a script.
I mean, if these things mean so much to them, why are the ones that loose all smiles and have that 'Ah, well' look that I'm pretty sure they practice in the mirror for an hour before they head out? Just once I'd like to see someone go crazy because they didn't win, like Joey in that episode of friends a million years ago that my wife made me watch (honest).
Personally I think it would be great if Angelina Jolie went postal screaming 'That's Mine you whore! I'm gonna fuck that bitch up' before smashing a bottle of cristal over her managers head.
That's entertainment.

Today I am mostly listening to KT Tunstall doing some amazing things with a loop pedal:

Dogs are from Venus

2009-01-25T17:34:00.014Z

Ok, so I know I said I'd finish my short story and post it, but I haven't edited it yet, so you'll just have to wait. Sorry, awfully bad of me, spent yesterday running followed by drinking wine and watching TV (re-run of war of the worlds - the Tom "jump up and down on a sofa" Cruise one) instead of writing.

I must say, it's one of the better sci-fi Hollywood remake offerings. My wife thinks it's scary - she's got some sort of alien invasion phobia - which I tell her is pretty weird but it still puts the willies up her. I mean, planet earth has been around for about 4 billion years (unless you're a creationist nutter in which case it's only been around 6000 years, but then the bible doesn't mention aliens so this sort of thing won't bother you anyway). And in that time, there is pretty much zero evidence of aliens ever trying to invade. As the average human life-span is around 70-80 years, you'd have to be pretty unfortunate to be around if/when they do invade.

My wife - an ex-scientist - did find comfort in the fact that they all die from bacterial infections, which she pointed out would actually happen if they where organic. - sigh

Don't get me wrong, I think that there is life out there in the great cosmos, maybe even intelligent life somewhere, but I think the chances of them coming to visit us is pretty remote. For a start, the amount of effort involved to travel here would be pretty immense. Why would they bother? I know the KFC party bucket meal is good value and everything, but is it really worth the trip out?

Some people just don't take this as a reasonable answer though. Some people think they've been abducted by aliens and had probes inserted into various orifices - but some people will think anything.

I think it's telling that in the 70's we got the odd hazy picture of what looked like the lid off a washing up liquid bottle, and lots of eye-witness accounts of grey men with big eyes - but these days when pretty much everyone in the western world carries either a camera or a phone with a camera, no-ones ever been able to get a picture of one of the little buggers.

Anyways, ran 6.1 miles yesterday, so very proud of that; even if I can't feel my legs today and my knees no longer bend. Got the day off work tomorrow as well - Whooha!

I'll leave you with a quote today, rather than inflicting you once more with my questionable taste in music:

'Friends are God's apology for relations.'

Zombies and the J-Lo

2009-01-23T11:03:00.004Z

Had this weird dream last night. The world had been taken over by zombies, and I was living with a bunch of survivors in a concrete tower block surrounded by trees and flowers. Everyone was happy, though my wife was pissed off with me and I didn't know why. There was a concert in the main hall, and Jennifer Lopez was playing - which is pretty odd as I don't like her music or her acting, though I did go say hi after the show.

Probably drank too much coffee and was seeing the wrong type of dead people. Weird things dreams. There's still not a doctor or psychologist around who can tell you for sure why we have them. One of life's little mysteries I guess.

Anyways, It's raining sideways outside, apparently we're going to have 60mph winds here today. I've got no money - again, and I've got a shit load of work to do, which I'm obviously not doing right now, so that'll mean working late.

But it's Friday, so nothing can piss me off today (except zombies). I love Fridays, I really do. I know I've said it before, they they're just the shiz. 2 whole days of getting out of bed when I want, going where I want, doing what I want - free from the oppressive thumb of responsibility.

I've been writing as well you'll be indifferent to hear. Actually made a start on something for the blog (based on ksquared's suggestion a while back when I asked for a first line). Spent a whole 40 minutes on it so far, but got my 500 words. I'll edit it later today and post it up if I get chance.

Today I am mostly listening to Doors covers by people who sound like they're on an awful lot of medication.

I see dead people [instructions...]

2009-01-20T14:40:00.008Z

Tuesday already. It's been a while since my last post - just like at school - 'must try harder'.

It's not all my fault I hasten to add, had an old friend over at the weekend, and we had a lot of drinking to do. It's hard work, but we make it look easy. Not that I spent the weekend pissed mind you, I actually did some clever type stuff by going to a few talks, one of which was by Ben Goldacre - a columnist for the Guardian newspaper and a very funny man. He was talking about science reporting in the media (as he does on his blog) and about how 80% of it is just made up crap, usually sponsored by some company trying to sell you something, and copy-pasted straight out of a press release.

Anyways, I was having a read on his blog when a story about seeing dead people caught my eye. This story has had quite a bit of media coverage over here, and was printed in the Express (a large national paper) amongst others. It's basically this: If you drink coffee, you will see dead people.

Now I know what you're saying, 'I drink coffee, and I don't see dead people'. Well, you're obviously not drinking enough coffee are you. Whole story is here.

It's a big day today for all our American cousins over there today. You get a shiny new president to replace the broken one you've had for the last 8 years. Apparently the new guy is much better, he can count to 10 on his own and can even feed and dress himself, so there's an improvement straight away.

I remember a while ago, just after the last election when 'W' got in, again, and I was talking to this American women who'd voted for him. She couldn't understand why everyone else in the world didn't think that was the best of choices. I remember her saying 'he's a very clever man you know'. Well he's certainly hidden it well.

As for the new guy, well, I think people are going to be disappointed when it turns out he can't walk on water or turn grass into marijuana or anything. I think he's a vast improvement and will have a positive effect on the US and the rest of the world, but it's going to be a series a small steps rather than a revolutionary leap.

Which brings us nicely on to white supremacists. They arrested a guy just after Obama won the election for plotting to assassinate him. These white supremacist types really should take a good look at themselves - this guy lived in a trailer with no job, no money, and couldn't even spell 'assassinate', thinking that there's not a problem in the world that can't be solved by guns or god. You'd think it would occur to him that if there is a master race, he's clearly not in it.

Anyways all you lucky people in blog blog land, to celebrate a new El Presidente, today you get a quote, and a song:

Quote of the day: 'It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.'

Old but still good:

Ninja kittens of death

2009-01-15T09:42:00.003Z

I was flicking through the TV guide yesterday, when I came across this little gem of a film tucked into the afternoon schedule:
Murder Without Conviction: 'Drama in which a former nun becomes embroiled in a murder mystery surrounding twin savant brothers who are serving life sentences for killing their mother.'
I'm sure this sort of thing happens every day.

The big question here is not who comes up with this shit, but who decides it would make a great film and pours money into it. I mean, surely at some point, someone who works on these films must say - 'hang on a minute, this is total crap' But then again, I guess they're getting paid.
This got me thinking about some other daytime made-for-TV gems, like this one:

Fatal Error: 'When a computer virus evolves into a deadly organic killer strand and a series of deaths occur, two scientists have to team up to prevent it spreading across Seattle. Can they stop the cyber-plague?'
Can they explain how a computer program manages to crawl out of the monitor in some 'Ring' type episode and starts killing people? I bet all the computers make weird beeping noises like they do in CSI.

And who can forget-
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: I shit you not. This classic from 1964 is described as: 'The parents of Martian children decide to kidnap Santa after watching him on TV in order to make their children happy.' And believe it or not, this wasn't done as a comedy.

It's films like these that make me realise that no matter how bad I think my writing is, no matter how wooden the dialogue, or how ridiculous the plot line, someone somewhere is prepared to make a movie out of it. I mean, who can forget Tombraider 2? That alone should give hope to bad writers everywhere.

Today I am mostly listening to this:

They're much better live than the TV prog they did - in my opinion anyway.

Black day

2009-01-13T14:26:00.004Z

Today is a black day - a day where nothing I do seems to matter, a day where I sit under a crushing black cloud that squeezes everything out of me. It's days like this that make you forget your dreams and dwell on your fears.

I can't wait for the weekend and it's only Wednesday. At weekends I get to do stuff with the wife. I get to go into London and do cool things, I get to stay in bed if I want and worry about nothing. In the week I sit alone and wonder why I'm still doing this shit job.

I saw a poster on the tube the other day that said 'if you don't like your life you can change it'. Maybe I should make more of an effort to change the shit things in mine.

I think I need to get writing more, get a novel finished and go see if anyone will buy it. I can sit in Starbucks most days then and just write shit down. Now that's a job.

Sorry to be on a downer today, but mid-week is never a good time for me.

'Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.'

I want that job

2009-01-12T17:36:00.004Z

Well, it's Monday. Again. Fun, fun, fun. Oh well, one day nearer the weekend I guess.

I've actually been quite busy at work today, which at least makes the time go quicker. Though It's still a shit job that's killing me one day at a time.

Never mind though, I've seen the perfect job (well, my wife spotted the perfect job and emailed me the link). Slight problem is that it's being advertised in 18 countries and there's only 1 vacancy. The job title is 'The Best Job in the World' - and no, it's got nothing to do with Kiera Knightley (excuse me whilst I drool for a while). It's a caretaker for the islands of the great barrier reef in Australia (see pic). Basically you have to feed the fish, write a blog, and er, that's pretty much it. It pays around £70,000 a year and is for a six month contract. You also get a rent free 3 bedroom house.

Details are here: http://www.islandreefjob.com/ if anyone else fancies applying.

Anyways, just sat on my ass at the moment watching 'celebrity come dine with me'. Great program, gonna set one up with some friends I think (though it won't be for a grand obviously). For those who don't know it, 5 people take turns in hosting a dinner party for the other 4. They then all score the night out of 10, and the one with the highest score at the end of the week wins £1000. A good excuse to get pissed and have someone else cook if you ask me.

Not much else happening in my life today. Went for a run yesterday - 4 and a half miles, couldn't feel my knees, pissed off when I got back - the usual - so sorry this entry isn't full of car chases and explosions.

Also had a cracking idea for a new book. Gotta get this one written first though, and something for the blog.

Oh, and thanks to Amanda before I forget, for sending me the link to the mysterious electric cigarette of mysterious wonder. Or something like that.

Quote for today:

'Several excuses are always less convincing than one.'

Scratch scratch scratch

2009-01-10T11:21:00.004Z

Me and scratchy (my pen) have been busy. Me and scratchy have finished chapter 11. Onwards and upwards to chapter 13 (ch 12 is a long story).

Just been watching Something For The Weekend (foody type TV show in the UK). They had an old clip of Keith Floyd in Madrid eating carbs and wrong fish. Now I don't know whether this is just Floyd, but according to him, the Spaniards spend most of the morning eating aforementioned carbs and wrong fish whilst getting slowly pissed before passing out and calling it a siesta. When they wake up, they just eat and drink some more before it's time to throw up and go to sleep.
That Floyd guy must have a liver the size of a small car, and I should move to Spain.
And is it just me, or does Mel B not look anything like Mel B anymore?

Anyways, thanks to Ksquared for the half-ass line. I'll get to work as soon as I get back from shopping.
I hate shopping in London. It's just so damn busy. There's a credit crunch on people, you're not supposed to be spending money! What's with everyone heading into town on a Saturday and wondering mindlessly in zig zags across the pavement before stopping for no apparent reason. It's like Day of the Dead out there people, Day of the fucking Dead.
And as for tourists, don't even get me started. The London underground is a mode of public transport to get people from one place to another, it is not a tourist attraction! You're not supposed to stop at the entrance to the platform, thereby blocking everyone else, so you can take a picture of the tunnel. I mean, come on, it is quite literally a hole in the fucking ground.
And why, despite the signs every 10 feet on the escalator telling folks to stand on the right, do they feel the urge to stand on the left?
There's a solution here involving cattle prods.

Thanks to Amanda for the 'encouraging' words about non-smoking. What the hell is an electric cigarette? Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but you add electricity to something and it just gets 10 times better. Now you're telling me they make electric cigarettes? That's just another reason not to quit - where do I get me one of those?

And the quote from yesterday about moving a body is attributed to Alexei Sayle. He's a slightly surreal British comedian who never used to be very funny, though he has got better with age. Well, that's my opinion anyway.

Half a gold star

2009-01-09T15:23:00.004Z

And the winner is (imaginary drum roll please)... Ksquared.

The correct answer is in fact Russia (can't remember exactly where, somewhere near the middle) but as Ksquared got the closest, he gets the prize.

The actual gold star is attached to my guitar that I used to play badly, and now hardly play at all (It's on my list).

Well it's Friday. My favourite day of the week. The weekend is upon us, and I might win £50 million on the euromillions lottery - life just doesn't get any better!

What's more, I've only just had my first ciggy of the day - which means I've now got a nicotine buzz and can't walk straight, but what the hell, at least I'm cutting down.

I go outside to smoke, which is a bit of a pain, but at least my house doesn't stink. The worst part though (apart from the walk and the whether) is the mental woman who lives upstairs. She's one of those people who insist on talking to you despite you trying to look as disinterested as possible. It's my own fault for being too polite I guess, I should just tell her to go away, but in my my experience it's never a good idea to piss off people who know where you live.

When she does spot me and insist on spouting drivel, it's usually to tell me how bad smoking is for me. Well gee, I never knew that. I always thought they were full of vitamins and iron and made you look cool. I guess she hasn't figured that we call people who don't know that cigarettes are bad for you 'been-in-a-coma-since-the-50s'. Bloody ex-smokers, they're the worst you know.

Anyway, it's Friday, so I'm in a good mood, and I won't let anybody tell me otherwise. I've been for a run and didn't hate it, I've actually done some work today for a change, and I'm going out tonight to get pissed. I'm really going to try to finish chapter 11 of my novel tomorrow. Only about 500 to 1000 words to go on it, but it's about our hero and a girl having the 'first-date-do-we-have-sex-and-Christ-am-I-pissed' discussion which is kinda hard to write.

Luckily I have my vast experience of being turned down by women whilst pissed to call upon.

I also should write something for this blog, since it's supposed to have some of my writing in - at least that was my original intention.

If anyone has any ideas for a first line, I'll knock up 500 words and post it here for the usual comments/praise/ridicule. Anything will do, surreal or otherwise, e.g. 'It was only when I got home that I realised I'd not been wearing any trousers' or whatever.

And I'll leave you with another quote of the day, though please don't get used to these, as I don't have many and will soon run out:

'A friend is someone who will help you move; a good friend is someone who will help you move a body.'

Wednesday - already?

2009-01-07T14:10:00.007Z

Just been out for another run, and Christ it's cold. I know some of you probably live places were it gets to minus 80 and if you go outside for 4 seconds you get frostbite, but here in the UK we're used to it being being grey and mediocre 90% of the year, with a few days of sun in summer and if we're lucky a few days of snow in winter. Minus 10 it was last night, Minus 10!

Anyways, enough of being typically English and talking about the weather.
Today is turning out to be yet another boring day at work in my boring job with my control freak of a boss. Every week I have to fill in a time report that says what I worked on and for how long, and every week my boss calls me up and says:
'Hey, you put down 3 hours last Wednesday for (insert project here), what were you doing?'
and I say: 'I worked on (insert project here) for 3 hours?'

I mean, what do they expect me to say? Why am I spending 2 hours every week filling in these things if they're just going to ring me and ask anyway? Next time I'll tell them I was drinking lighter fluid or something.

Sadly this is typical of who I work for. Why do something easy when you can make it far more complicated, involve far more people, and make it take twice as long? I really need to get writing more and get something published so I can give up on this torrent of mediocrity I call a job.

Sorry, I'm in a bit of a ranting mood today. I'm never happy when I get back from a run. Someone told me endorphins are supposed to kick in after running, I guess mine are broke or something.
So here's a nice picture to make up for it that I took on holiday last year. I'll give a gold star to anyone who can guess the country.

And I'll leave you with a quote of the day:

'If you can keep your head while all those around you are losing theirs, perhaps you do not understand the situation'

Back to the grind stone

2009-01-05T14:53:00.004Z

Well, Christmas is over, I'm half a stone heavier, and it's my first day back at work. Oh the fucking joy. What's more, it's appraisal season at work, which means I have to fill in a million forms saying how great (or otherwise) I am at just about every aspect of my job so my boss can tell me if they agree or not.
On a lighter note, it snowed last night. I like the snow, I know lots of people don't - they moan about the driving or whatever, but being a non-driver, and not having to leave the house unless I want to, I think it's pretty nice. Makes everything look clean and pretty for a while, even though as with all things that are clean and pretty, it soon turns to slush.
I managed to get out for a run today. I only did 3 miles before turning grey and wanting to puke - though I have had man flu, and as we all know, it takes almost 2 months to get over that. Also, I've still not stopped smoking, even though I said I would in the new year. Though to be fair, I've only had 1 ciggy today, which makes me practically a non-smoker.
Thanks to the folks who commented on my short story (below). As soon as I write something interesting I'll post that too so people can congratulate/ridicule me as they see fit.
I really need to add some pics to this blog to brighten it up a bit, I'll see what I can do over the next couple of days.

Oh, and Matt Smith is the new Dr Who. I mention this as I've met him - which from now on will be my claim to fame. He was a very nice chap indeed.

Some stuff I wrote

2008-12-30T11:47:00.003Z

Ok, so this isn't particularly good, but as I promised to post something, and as I can't be arsed to write anything new today, this is what you're going to get.
I wrote it a couple of years ago, only about 500 words so not as long as it looks. Feel free to coment, good, bad, indifferent. As with most of the stuff I seem to write, somebody dies in it.

Amber

She always looked sad when she smiled, like she’d lost something once, and never learned how to get it back. She’d sit by the window and look out, her blonde oh-so-wavy hair down to her shoulders and smile that sad smile. She’d smiled like that since as long as anyone can remember. No one really knew why. Her father died when she was just two, and some folks said she got it from her mother. Others said she smiled just fine.
She was smiling her smile when she was in that bar down by the sea, that trendy one with the stripped wooden floors and barmen who spend all day making cocktails for girls who giggle, flipping bottles and glasses like performing seals in a circus.She worked in the new hotel up on Station road at the reception Pretty enough girl as she was, and only just in her twenties.But it was in that bar, the one by the sea with the performing seals and the giggling girls, where she met the man she’d kill. Not that anyone knew it then, least of all her. Smart looking fella with blonde hair who spoke soft. Spent his days driving around in a suit selling photocopiers or some such like with his blue eyes and white teeth. She smiled her sad smile, and he spoke his soft words, and they got along just fine.
She’d got along fine with lots of fellas before mind you, but she’d always end up breaking their hearts. Some said it was on account of her getting her own heart broke, and now she was taking out her pain on the rest of humanity, but me, I’d say she never really liked any of them enough to care.
Wasn’t long before he’d come around that bar every Saturday, and they’d talk and smile, and he’d walk her home. Folks said they looked like they’d always walked together, like that’s how it was meant to be.
It was in the spring, that day, and the trees were turning back to green. The plants in the gardens that looked so dead were starting to rise and look towards the sky. The grass was starting to grow again; almost ready for the first cut of the year, that day they called to say she’d not been in to work for three days. The crocuses were starting to open and brush the fields with colour when they broke down her door, and found her sitting there on the floor. Lying face down he was, the life all bled out of him across the hall with a kitchen knife in his back whilst the songbirds sang in her garden.
Her hands were all raw they said, like she’d scrubbed them all day, but she said she couldn’t get the blood off.
So they took her away, and everyone talked. Some said she’d killed him out of passion, others, that it was self-defence. Me, I think something’s broke in that pretty little head of hers, and there’s no fixing that. No one knows for sure, because she never spoke after that day. She just sits on the floor with her oh-so-wavy hair and sad smile. And they give her her medicine and ask her why but she never talks, she just stares out the window and smiles her smile.

I've eaten my own bodyweight in mince pies

2008-12-27T14:47:00.002Z

Hello blog people.
I'm feeling somewhat 'rotund' after Christmas. What's more my lungs are still playing up, so I can't go running to burn off all the trifle, nuts, onion bhajis, mini-quiches, stuffing, roast potatoes, half a large tin of quality street, gravy, vast amounts of alcohol etc etc...
Oh well.
Got some good shit this year, none of the usual 'I thought it was a bit of fun' gifts that I stick in a box marked 'car-boot sale.' I must say it does help telling everyone that if they don't know what to get you, to get you a book token.
My highlight is a cocktail shaker and assorted accessories from the wife. I aim to be at 80's Tom Cruise level by the end of next week.

Anyways, not back to work until the 5th Jan, so plenty of time to do some writing. And I will post something here soon, honest. Tomorrow in fact (if I remember)!

Old people on the tube

2008-12-19T12:15:00.003Z

Boris Johnson confirmed yesterday what many of us have always suspected - he's never travelled on the london underground.
As of 2nd Jan, holders of the 'Freedom pass' - itself a very good idea that allows pensioners free travel across the nations public transport system will be extended to 24 hours in London - currently they have to wait until after 9:30am to use it.
According to the Blonde one:
"I am delighted that elderly Freedom Pass holders will be able to use this important scheme to get to early morning hospital or other appointments that most Londoners would take for granted. That is why during the election campaign I promised elderly pass holders would no longer have to wait until well after breakfast to catch the bus."

Far be it from me to criticise such a noble scheme, but a sudden influx of the elderly on the tube at rush hour does not sound like a good thing to me. I used to live ooop north, and nothing pissed me off more in the mornings than being on a bus full of pensioners. Why are they going into town at 8am for crying out loud - nowhere is open! And nowehre is likely to be open because the busses don't stop to let workers on because they're full of oaps!
I can see granny rage becoming an increasing problem - take my word for it, nothing good will come of this.

Man flu

2008-12-15T11:00:00.002Z

I've got man flu (it's like bird flu, only much worse). I've had it for a few days now and it shows no sign of shifting yet despite the copious amounts of medicinal alchol consumed at the weekend.
What makes it even worse is that I'm off work today, so I don't even get to call in sick.
Bloody typical.

On a positive note, I've had something of a breakthrough in my novel writing. Hopefully I'm on course now to finish the first draft by the end of January (though this may be wildly optimistic so don't hold me to it).
If I get time over the next few days I'll post some of my previous writings here so folks can tell me if they think I'm any good (or not.)
And yes, my gramma is normally better than that last sentence would have you believe, but I'm ill don't you know!

Working from home

2008-12-10T15:24:00.002Z

Now I know what you're thinking. Working from home must be great, and well, it does have certain advantages. I get to watch bargain hunt for example, I also get to attend meetings by teleconferences wearing only my underwear, but it's not all fun and games.
Sat on your own for 10 hours a day with no one to talk to can be a bit of a downer. If it weren't for my collection of singing muffins, I thnk I'd go quite mad.

Hello world

2008-12-09T13:47:00.000Z

Yes I know, crappy title for my first blog entry, but that's kinda my point.

Anyhow, I'm a struggling writer hoping to one day sell a novel for a bucket full of cash. Until then, I have to work (and sound enthusiastic about) a full-time job that I'm not enthusiastic about.
At least I get to work from home (which sounds great, but it's not) which means I probably get more time to write than the average Joe who's trying to get something published whilst holding down a bill-paying job.
I also like to rant, which will probably become self evident as time goes on.

Short one to start with, but I'm on my lunch break so don't have much time. I also need to go buy some ciggarettes and smoke at least 1 before hauling myself back to work.