The Shatner returns

Brace yourselves folks - apparently they're making TJ Hooker, The Movie.

I don't know how many of you are old enough to remember this, but it was shown over here in the UK in the 80's. I have vague memories of Shatner running around in someone elses hair and quite possibly a man-girdle spouting the usual cliched crap, assisted by that bloke who looks a bit like that other bloke off Chips, whilst the gorgeous Heather Locklear pouts in the background.

Even though I was only about 6 at the time, I distinctly remember plot-holes you could drive a bus through - like that time his partner got investigated for shooting a man who was facing him, despite the fact he was shot in the back.

And whatever happened to Heather Locklear? As a child, I'm pretty sure she was never off my TV, though I do get confused alot between her and that woman off the fall guy.

And the Bionic Woman.

It does make you wonder though, if they're making a film out of this, what's next? We've already got The A-Team in the works - though this won't be half as good as it could have been now that Bernie Mac has passed away, I always thought he'd make a great BA.
But really, what else can they drag up? And who will they get to play our childhood heroes?
I'm already wondering who could replace Shatner in TJ Hooker - I'm not sure where else they'll find a bald man with a bad wig and a big ego.
But seriously, Who's next? Streethawk? Airwolf? Chips? That one with the bloke who could turn into animals?
Let me know of any suggestions you have - and I'll pass them on to Tarrantino. He's already interested in the 'My Little Pony's ninja nightmare' script I gave him.

Coming to a silver screen near you:

Off the Boyle

Apologies - but this is another post about people singing on TV.

Tonight is the final of 'Britain's got talent', and unless you've been living in a cave for the last month, you've probably heard of Susan Boyle - the 100million hits on youtube singing muppet.
Now don't get me wrong, she can sing quite well, and I'm sure she's a lovely lady (though going ballistic at journalists this week hasn't helped her image), but she's no Kathryn Jenkins.

The fact is, that if she was pretty, she'd be pretty unremarkable. The only thing that makes her stand out is that you don't expect someone who looks like they should definitely get out more (and do some serious plucking with their eyebrows) to be able to sing. If she was 25, reasonably attractive and sang like that, no one outside of the UK would have heard of her, and she may well have not made the semis. Certainly not the final with the out of tune start she had singing memory this week - which the judges seemed to completely miss. No doubt they're banking on her making the final to boost the ratings. Piers Morgan is a prick, and Amanda Holden can't move her face because of all the botox, so I don't expect them to tell the truth, but even Simon Cowell said she did well - and he's usually honest to the point of brutal.
I'm sure this says a lot about the society we live in, and the way we judge people on looks (good and bad), but I'm no psychologist.

There's been lots of press around her this week, maybe quitting the show, going mental at the TV because a singer in another semi-final did well, close to breaking point from the pressure etc... most of which seems to be pretty lame PR by the shows producers and judges to me.
To quote Jo Hemmings, a behavioural psychologist 'She's angry, she overwhelmed. It's all very sad'
My prediction - she won't win. No way they'd risk putting her in front of the queen in her current precarious mental state.

On a brighter note - I'm still not smoking. This is my 6th day, so going pretty well. I'm trying to avoid alcohol - which will either help in that alcohol makes me want to smoke, or hinder, as now I have 2 things to not do. Maybe I should just join a monastery.

Nicholas Cage's Twin Brother

Is it just me, or separated at birth?

Face off is on TV this weekend - that'll be shit then.

Tutus, breakfast and some light music.

I now know how to make a Tutu. Another of life's essential skills mastered there then.

This is actually for my wifey. No, she's not a ballerina, she's running the London Marathon on Sunday, and has decided that to make things just that little bit trickier - and increase her chances of getting on TV, she's going to run it in a Tutu, hence us walking around Soho on Saturday trying to find suitable Tutu material.

So last night, we got out the scissors and YouTube, learnt how to make one without sewing, and voila - 45 mins later, half a Tutu. We just need to go get some more fabric and we'll have a full one in no time. It is surprisingly easy - you should all try it.

Anyways - I was watching Breakfast on the BBC this morning whilst ironing the wifeys shirt for her - God I'm starting to sound like a right domestic goddess today aren't I. Anyways, I was manly ironing a shirt this morning, watching Breakfast on the BBC, which is something I don't normally have on - in fact I don't normally have the TV on at all in the mornings, and watching it I remembered why.

Bill Bloody Turnbull.

As a journalist and news presenter, I guess he's OK, but they really shouldn't let him speak to people. They had Lady GaGa on this morning, and he just kept banging on about her eye shadow like it was a totally new concept for women to put coloured powder on their eyes. Nice one Bill, we wouldn't want to hear about the music or anything, make-up tips are what keeps your show real.

This was closely followed by him telling the gorgeous Natascha McElhone that her TV series Californifaction was quite a bit like 'The OC'. Yes Bill, they're both set in California I'll give you that, but perhaps you should watch them first yeah?

I don't know, it's Kate Silverton I feel sorry for.

Anyways - as treat for you all today, this is my mate's band, Alberto Veto, when they played down here in sunny London about a month back. A great gig, if you listen closely, you'll hear me clapping.

Back once again with the ill behaviour...

.. and cheesey 90's dance track lyrics as well.

Sorry I've not written in sooo long, I've been particularly busy at work and all that 'real life' stuff that tends to get in the way.

So happy Easter everyone - not particularly religious myself, but nothing like a good excuse to eat chocolate and have a couple of days off work. It being a bank holiday, Mrs Block has had me wallpapering and clearing out the spare room. Does look pretty now though, so time well spent.
I've also been working on a new short(ish) story I'm thinking about sending off to a competition. If it doesn't win, which is statistically likely, I'll post it in installments here. It's broadly about a guy who looses his job/girlfriend etc.. and ends up living next door to a guy who thinks he's god. Hopefully it will make more sense than it sounds.

Anyways, it being Easter also means we get bombarded with shit TV. 50 channels of 'which-idiot-thought-this-would-make-good-TV?' so far, with the odd sprinkling of the worst of what Hollywood has to offer. Still, there's a Dr Who Easter special on tonight - with Michelle 'bionic woman' Ryan as the new assistant which might be good. Also, Dave (that's the name of the TV channel) have made 3 new episodes of Red Dwarf - one of the best things the BBC ever did in my humble opinion - apart from the last series which was pretty awful.

One of the worst things the BBC ever did is also running at the moment - 'My Life as an Animal'. This 'groundbreaking' show follows 8 volunteers as they live with animals. The last one had some guy living with pigs. This doesn't mean he invites a pig to stay with him at home for a week, oh no. Instead he goes and lives in a pig sty, with a bunch of pigs, 24 hours a day for 4 days, eating what they eat, 'talking' to them in grunts, sleeping with them etc... you get the picture.
Why would anyone want to do this? No bloody idea. Why would anyone want to watch this drivel? Sorry - can't help you there either. Nice to know that my £120 a year for TV licence is being spent well by the 12 year olds that make up the management team there. Well done guys, I can see now why you cut the budget for all the news programmes and generally interesting stuff in order to fund this. Nice one indeed.

Anyways, enough of my rants, here's a pretty picture to calm me down. I took this on holiday a couple of years ago. If anyone can guess the country, you'll get - er well, sod all really, but I'll give you a shout out and a well done.

And I promise to post more often. Honest. Whether you want me to or not - so there.

Tuesday blues and the olympics

I hate Tuesdays. The buzz of the weekend has worn off, and it's miles and miles until the next one. Given that my Monday to Friday is normally pretty shit anyway, and I live only for weekends - this is a depressing day indeed.

The wife is out to dinner tonight in Stratford - no, not the home of William Shakespeare, that's Stratford-on-Avon, a rather quaint 'what all the tourists think the whole of England is like' type place where people talk about the weather, literature, and drink copious amounts of tea. The Stratford my wife's gone to is more a 'this looks just like the set of Blade Runner' type of place, mostly due to the fact that it's where they're building lots of the stuff for the 2012 Olympic games, or as the locals call it, the slums of the future.

Not that I'm against the Olympic games or anything. I'm sure the spending of several billion pounds in the middle of the recession for something that's going to last 2 weeks is a great idea. And of course there's the long-lasting legacy that all the politicians are so keen to remind us of. Though when I last checked, they were thinking of turning the stadium into a warehouse for B&Q (that's like home depot for all my American visitors). The problem they have is that no one wants to buy a giant stadium capable of holding a squillion people. The nearest football team is Leyton Orient, whose average attendance is around 5000 - so enough to almost fill one side. Somehow I don't see them as a being all that keen in taking it over.

At least it'll showcase British engineering and building skills - it will be a proud day for us all when they finally declare it open in 2013. And don't even get me started on the logo. Described mostly as 'man on toilet' or 'Simpsons blowjob'

Anyways, Masterchef is on TV now, and Horizon is on after that - they're talking about nuclear fusion today, and why despite the odd headline and lots of money and time on research, we still don't have one powering our flying cars we were all promised 20 years ago.

Oh well..

Quote for today:

'inspiration comes after the first line'

Flash flash, zombie zombie

I have it on good authority that there will be a zombie flash mob on Friday 13th Feb (that's this Friday for those of you without a calender - or in 3 days time for anyone who doesn't know what day today is) at London Bridge train station in London.
Should be fun - I'm gonna try be there with camera phone in hand, so if I get any decent video, I'll post it here at the weekend. Nothing like zombies annoying commuters to get you in the mood for the weekend!

In other news this week - Todd Carty got voted off 'Dancing on Ice'. Though to be fair, he never actually danced on the ice, just seemed to get pulled around at an incredibly slow speed by his unfortunate partner.
For those of you unaware of this slice of surrealism on a Sunday night, I'll attempt to explain.
Several 'celebrities' are partnered up with professional ice skaters. Every Sunday, they compete to see who can wear the most sequins and fishnets before taking to the ice to 'dance' Olympic styley. A group of ex-ice skaters and random dancing folk then take turns to publicly mock them before giving them a score out of 6 each. Viewers are encouraged to vote for the couple they want to see humiliated again next week, and the bottom 2 in the 'honest-we-didn't-rig-this-one-like-Ant'N'Dec' phone vote have a 'skate-off' - one final fling around the ice - to decide which lucky contestant gets to go home and never ever have to do it again.
Think Strictly Come Dancing with knives attached to your feet, and you won't be far wrong.
Some guy last year actually broke his leg competing in this thing - I hope they get a book deal or something at the end.

Anyways, today I am mostly watching acoustic versions of Flo Rida's Low - you'll have to imagine your own fat hairy Tom Cruise 'Tropic Thunder' Styley:

A series of small walls...

Just watching time team. For those of you who are unaware of this wondrous show, it's kinda like speed archaeology. Tony Robinson (of Blackadder fame - most definitely not pictured left) takes a bunch of bearded archaeologists with small trowels and the 'geo-fizz' guy off to a field somewhere for 3 days where they dig trenches, do some ground penetrating radar, and try and figure out what was there however many millenia ago.Every week without fail, they discover a 'series of small walls'. Why is that? Were our ancestors all 6 inches tall? Pixies built it maybe? Anyways, I think it's interesting, but the wife calls it the 'series of small walls' show. At least it's more interesting than post holes.

Speaking of the wife, she got lost on the tube today. 'How?' I hear you cry - 'I have no fucking idea' is my answer. I mean it's not that hard, especially as we've lived here over a year, she uses it every day, and we were going were we've been about a hundred times before. Nevertheless, she still managed it. That's talent that is.We get on the Piccadilly line in the middle of London to go 2 stops so we can change onto the Central line at Holborn. I get off at Holborn, the wife (who's about 10 feet away - crowded tube today) just sits there merrily listening to her ipod and reading the paper. It's not until the trains gone and everyone else is off the platform that I realise she's still on it. Took her another 3 stops to realise she was on the wrong train and I wasn't there. Jeez, I thought I was more noticeable than that.

Anyways, all safely back home now, and we're settled in for European night. Not got enough money to go out, so we're staying in and eating Pizza and Chili, drinking Belgium beer, and we're about to watch 'Amelie' (French film with Audrey Tautou) followed by 'let the right one in' - a class Swedish film about a weiner kid who befriends a girl who's a vampire. Cue lots of blood and cats. Apparently Hollywood are re-making it - so that'll be shit. Go watch the original if you can.

I also just wanted to say thank you to Dita Von Teese today - her of marry-a-weirdo fame.
Burlesque dancing I'm sure used to be viewed as a bit sordid by many, but thanks to good old Dita, it's now 'culture' and my wife wants to take me to a show.
I am a lucky man indeed.

Today - in honour of New Zealand widget or whatever day - I am mostly listening to New Zealand folk parody (again) inventing rap:

Paris Hilton in search of a stalker

Whilst flicking through TV channels last night, I caught the end of possibly the worst TV show ever. 'Paris Hilton's British Best Friend' - or to give it it's full title 'I want to be Paris Hilton's bitch'.

Thanks a bunch America, no really. First George Bush and now this? What are you feeding your kids, lead paint and mercury?

The show seems to be all about a bunch of sycophants in an ass-kissing contest, the prize being you get to be friends with Paris Hilton. Not really my cup of tea, but I guess some people are just plane nuts. I can already guess at the sort of events they're going to have, like 'how many Chihuahuas can you stuff in a Prada handbag'.

In a bid to find out what sort of folks go for this, I've managed to find some of the questions used by the researchers for the show to find the candidates with the 'right stuff', or in the words of Homer Simpson (no relation to Jessica) 'I'll kiss your butt and still call it ice-cream'.

Anyways, here they are:

Who should win the 2008 best acting Oscar?
a) Heath Ledger for ‘Batman – the Dark Knight’
b) Kate Winslet for 'crying at the golden globes'
c) Paris Hilton for ‘The Hottie and the Nottie’

How did Barrack Obama win the 2008 presidential campaign?
a) With a well thought out grass-roots campaign on the key issues facing the American public
b) Paris Hilton publicly backed him
c) Barrack who?

After a night out partying, you’re driving home and accidentally hit a parked car. A policeman spots you and asks you to pull over. Do you
a) Pull over calmly; perhaps he won’t notice you’ve downed 8 cans of RICH preseco.
b) Tell him you’ll do anything, no really, ANYTHING if he keeps it between the 2 of you.
c) Claim your assistant hadn’t told you it was illegal to drink and drive, start an online petition in a vain attempt to keep your ass out of jail and scream that it’s ‘not right!’ before finding God.

After meeting that ‘special guy’ at a party, he comes back to your hotel room and asks to spend the night. What should you do?
a) Tell him that you’re not a one-night-stand kind of girl and that if he really likes you he’ll respect that and take things slowly
b) Tell him he can stay but only if he wears a condom
c) Break out the night vision camcorder and ride him like a pony, claiming that the tape was subsequently ‘stolen’ and it’s only by coincidence that it’s been released on the net 1 week before your new series starts.

How did you score?
Mostly A’s – You’re a well balanced individual. What the hell are you doing here?
Mostly B’s – You’re a slut and have the intelligence of a chimp. Well done, keep honing those skills and there might be a place for you yet.

Mostly C’s – Congratulations! You’re a moron with no grasp on reality who thinks the world revolves around small dogs in handbags, perfume endorsements and drunken sex in hotel rooms. Now ask someone how to work a telephone and give us a call!

Today I am mostly watching wierd kids doing freaky things with their eye-brows in order to advertise chocolate. My favourite bits the baloon at the end.